I really appreciate your willingness and ability to look at yourself honestly, Tom, both here in this piece and in that actual moment. It helps us all do the same more often when we can see that someone else did it and survived! (And it also makes for a great piece of writing that’s fun to read.)
Hahaha. You're lucky you're still married Tom! And smart to hear the red line moment. The big increase in divorce rates is in the 50s and 60s, and it's mostly women doing the walking, contrary to popular belief. (I wrote a book all about it, called Late Love - Mating in Maturity.)
Your wife sounds a bit of a saint, which I'm sure you know.
If I were you, once you get that new knee, I'd get back down on it. And thank your driver.
Well, Tom, having driven you around Northern England for a while I'd say you are a reasonable sort of passenger now, terrifying though it no doubt was at times. I recall only two moments when you were noticeably unsettled, once during a right turn onto a fast and busy A-road across a few lanes in the rain (scary for the driver too) and a little later the same day, also in the rain, when we uneventfully joined a crowded four-lane "spiral" roundabout from the motorway and you prayed, quietly, "Jesus". Well done I say.
My wife and I married the October after 9/11 and decided to drive instead of fly to our honeymoon... from Michigan to Florida. It took 19 hours down and 22 hours back. On the return trip I learned what a saint she was and that I was whatever is not a saint when I'm hungry and tired of driving. We're blessed with forgiving wives.
Hope you're having a happy new year, and I look forward to reading more of your exploits!
For us on long drives the passenger keeps an eye on the GPS, scouting ahead for traffic, looking for spots to use the bathroom, finding places to get food or water, reconning for zombie infestations, etc. The passenger is also the car DJ if they want, a role my kids love and gives us an opportunity to hear the "music" they're into these days.
Well said, Tom! I can’t say I feel your pain, because what you (and Sara) were going through sounds brutal. Maybe “the worst passenger in the world” could be a metaphor for the broader world? (“The worst boss in the world” “the worst dog walker...” etc.). It really is about recognizing our unconscious, ingrained reactions in the moment and having the will and selflessness to do a 180, back to the little sensory miracles of the present moment - like what you were seeing out the window. So I have two bionic joints: got a knee in 2015, hip in 2022. Medical technology is amazing.
Hello. My name is Graham and I'm a Bad Passenger...
Mine manifests with sharp intakes of breath, grabs at the oh-Jesus handle, and the dashboard brace you described.
Worst part is, my wife is a great driver! *She* taught *me* how to pass... Recently, when we were travelling to the same place from different locations, I spotted her on an onramp as a taxi tried to box her out as she merged. She slipped it into second, put the foot down, and zipped right by him. These are the kind of moves she performs effortlessly and regularly.
Yet somehow it's different for me when I have the first-person view from the shotgun seat. She believes that my sharp intakes of breath are a comment on her driving and show lack of trust. I gurgle that's not true, it's more about my over-active imagination. But she must be right on some level.
So, I've been doing the same -- trying to let go. I think I'm getting better. The true test came when the boys started driving. Usually the only time they're driving me though is after I've had a beer or two, so that certainly helps with the letting go (though on the flip side, it shows that I still have some work to do...)
Good luck on the knee replacement! And hey, take the hotel room this time, regardless of your current passengering skills! Room service and Netflix -- sounds like a great way to start recovery! Please though, no post-surgery pics...
You clearly married the most patient woman on the planet, Tom. Congratulations. 💛
This reminded me of the "assholism" post. Or is that one the same as the "I'm confused post?" I'm too lazy to do the research, but it was one of my favorites.
Best of luck on your recovery. I couldn't stand taking Percoset after my first c-section. I dropped it after two days and went to a heavy rotation of Advil and Tylenol. I remained far more clear-headed and "not high" - two important things to be when caring for a newborn, I'd think. 🙄
I thought that story sounded awful familiar, so you don't mention whether or not you've been able to sustain your ability to be a good passenger...I find it hard to believe that you never given Sara just a little help with her driving on occasion!
I'm laughing, because Bryan and I do this to each other. It's so infuriating to be on the receiving end, and yet equally infuriating to be shut down when I'm "giving advice."
I love how your story captures this long-term-relationship dynamic that is so universal!
Oh yeah. I can identify. Good that you recognized the moment to "Say nothing." : ) Once I let myself share the driving, I discovered my wife is a good driver. Especially nice when going long distance. Was actually quite nice, being able to hold my eyes off of the road long enough to look around. I hope your knee replacement went well. Mine did. Wish I'd done it well before I did.
Another fine article on a matter that many of us can relate to, even in a bit of a smaller capacity. I will admit that I can be a difficult passenger as well, but fortunately for my wife not all that regularly. However, when it comes out it seems to come out with a vengeance and I seem to reserve my wrath for when she tailgates (from my passenger viewpoint).
I have also learned that my criticism has not proven useful even one time over the many years of our marriage, and has only led to hard feelings that I needed to apologize for eventually. It is good to know when you are the problem, and as my wife always points out when I'm critical about these things, "as long as we have been together, have I ever caused an accident due to my direct actions as a driver?". The answer is a very resounding NO. Case closed.
Sometimes, an extra pair of eyes can be helpful, or potentially so. For example, sometimes Elaine will say "There's a cyclist up there with no lights and wearing dark clothes". I've usually seen it but sometimes I haven't. I did have a friend once who was the worst passenger ever. He kept exagerratingly "braking" or nearly leaping out of his seat. The breaking point for came when he shouted at me:
Him: YOU NEED TO BRAKE. THEY'RE BREAKING UP AHEAD.
Me: Yes I know they are.
Him: BUT YOU DIDN'T REACT!!!
Me: Yes, I did react. I evaluated whether or not I needed to brake, or whether I was far enough behind to not do so, so I didn't, and as you can see I was right.
I then pulled up at a bus stop, in the middle of nowhere, and said: I'm giving you a choice. Either get a grip on yourself or get out now. He elected to behave himself, thereby proving that such behaviour is entirely voluntary. I have to say, Tom, I admire your honesty in admitting to this failing of yours, but if I'd have been driving I'd have given you a similar choice! And Sara was absolutey right to do and say what she did. 😁
Ah man this brought back some painful memories of those first couple of days following hernia surgery. My god!
I'm enjoying your self-reflection recently. Seems like you've been a bit of a pain in the arse over the years, (who can honestly say they haven't?) But refreshing to see you recognise it, process it, and work to change it.
I never learnt to drive, which probably makes me a great passenger. Couldn't get away with that in the States, though, where a 5-hour drive is considered a short journey. Any place here that takes more than two hours by car to get to is considered long-distance and rarely happens.
I really appreciate your willingness and ability to look at yourself honestly, Tom, both here in this piece and in that actual moment. It helps us all do the same more often when we can see that someone else did it and survived! (And it also makes for a great piece of writing that’s fun to read.)
Hahaha. You're lucky you're still married Tom! And smart to hear the red line moment. The big increase in divorce rates is in the 50s and 60s, and it's mostly women doing the walking, contrary to popular belief. (I wrote a book all about it, called Late Love - Mating in Maturity.)
Your wife sounds a bit of a saint, which I'm sure you know.
If I were you, once you get that new knee, I'd get back down on it. And thank your driver.
Well, Tom, having driven you around Northern England for a while I'd say you are a reasonable sort of passenger now, terrifying though it no doubt was at times. I recall only two moments when you were noticeably unsettled, once during a right turn onto a fast and busy A-road across a few lanes in the rain (scary for the driver too) and a little later the same day, also in the rain, when we uneventfully joined a crowded four-lane "spiral" roundabout from the motorway and you prayed, quietly, "Jesus". Well done I say.
My wife and I married the October after 9/11 and decided to drive instead of fly to our honeymoon... from Michigan to Florida. It took 19 hours down and 22 hours back. On the return trip I learned what a saint she was and that I was whatever is not a saint when I'm hungry and tired of driving. We're blessed with forgiving wives.
Hope you're having a happy new year, and I look forward to reading more of your exploits!
For us on long drives the passenger keeps an eye on the GPS, scouting ahead for traffic, looking for spots to use the bathroom, finding places to get food or water, reconning for zombie infestations, etc. The passenger is also the car DJ if they want, a role my kids love and gives us an opportunity to hear the "music" they're into these days.
Well said, Tom! I can’t say I feel your pain, because what you (and Sara) were going through sounds brutal. Maybe “the worst passenger in the world” could be a metaphor for the broader world? (“The worst boss in the world” “the worst dog walker...” etc.). It really is about recognizing our unconscious, ingrained reactions in the moment and having the will and selflessness to do a 180, back to the little sensory miracles of the present moment - like what you were seeing out the window. So I have two bionic joints: got a knee in 2015, hip in 2022. Medical technology is amazing.
Hello. My name is Graham and I'm a Bad Passenger...
Mine manifests with sharp intakes of breath, grabs at the oh-Jesus handle, and the dashboard brace you described.
Worst part is, my wife is a great driver! *She* taught *me* how to pass... Recently, when we were travelling to the same place from different locations, I spotted her on an onramp as a taxi tried to box her out as she merged. She slipped it into second, put the foot down, and zipped right by him. These are the kind of moves she performs effortlessly and regularly.
Yet somehow it's different for me when I have the first-person view from the shotgun seat. She believes that my sharp intakes of breath are a comment on her driving and show lack of trust. I gurgle that's not true, it's more about my over-active imagination. But she must be right on some level.
So, I've been doing the same -- trying to let go. I think I'm getting better. The true test came when the boys started driving. Usually the only time they're driving me though is after I've had a beer or two, so that certainly helps with the letting go (though on the flip side, it shows that I still have some work to do...)
Good luck on the knee replacement! And hey, take the hotel room this time, regardless of your current passengering skills! Room service and Netflix -- sounds like a great way to start recovery! Please though, no post-surgery pics...
You clearly married the most patient woman on the planet, Tom. Congratulations. 💛
This reminded me of the "assholism" post. Or is that one the same as the "I'm confused post?" I'm too lazy to do the research, but it was one of my favorites.
Best of luck on your recovery. I couldn't stand taking Percoset after my first c-section. I dropped it after two days and went to a heavy rotation of Advil and Tylenol. I remained far more clear-headed and "not high" - two important things to be when caring for a newborn, I'd think. 🙄
P.S. The apology wouldn't have killed you, BTW. 😉
I thought that story sounded awful familiar, so you don't mention whether or not you've been able to sustain your ability to be a good passenger...I find it hard to believe that you never given Sara just a little help with her driving on occasion!
I'm laughing, because Bryan and I do this to each other. It's so infuriating to be on the receiving end, and yet equally infuriating to be shut down when I'm "giving advice."
I love how your story captures this long-term-relationship dynamic that is so universal!
You wield a wicked mirror there. Thanks for that.
Oh yeah. I can identify. Good that you recognized the moment to "Say nothing." : ) Once I let myself share the driving, I discovered my wife is a good driver. Especially nice when going long distance. Was actually quite nice, being able to hold my eyes off of the road long enough to look around. I hope your knee replacement went well. Mine did. Wish I'd done it well before I did.
Another fine article on a matter that many of us can relate to, even in a bit of a smaller capacity. I will admit that I can be a difficult passenger as well, but fortunately for my wife not all that regularly. However, when it comes out it seems to come out with a vengeance and I seem to reserve my wrath for when she tailgates (from my passenger viewpoint).
I have also learned that my criticism has not proven useful even one time over the many years of our marriage, and has only led to hard feelings that I needed to apologize for eventually. It is good to know when you are the problem, and as my wife always points out when I'm critical about these things, "as long as we have been together, have I ever caused an accident due to my direct actions as a driver?". The answer is a very resounding NO. Case closed.
Sometimes, an extra pair of eyes can be helpful, or potentially so. For example, sometimes Elaine will say "There's a cyclist up there with no lights and wearing dark clothes". I've usually seen it but sometimes I haven't. I did have a friend once who was the worst passenger ever. He kept exagerratingly "braking" or nearly leaping out of his seat. The breaking point for came when he shouted at me:
Him: YOU NEED TO BRAKE. THEY'RE BREAKING UP AHEAD.
Me: Yes I know they are.
Him: BUT YOU DIDN'T REACT!!!
Me: Yes, I did react. I evaluated whether or not I needed to brake, or whether I was far enough behind to not do so, so I didn't, and as you can see I was right.
I then pulled up at a bus stop, in the middle of nowhere, and said: I'm giving you a choice. Either get a grip on yourself or get out now. He elected to behave himself, thereby proving that such behaviour is entirely voluntary. I have to say, Tom, I admire your honesty in admitting to this failing of yours, but if I'd have been driving I'd have given you a similar choice! And Sara was absolutey right to do and say what she did. 😁
It's so hard to be a 'good' passenger, especially when you're with someone that follows more closely than you're comfortable with. Sigh. Good for you
Ah man this brought back some painful memories of those first couple of days following hernia surgery. My god!
I'm enjoying your self-reflection recently. Seems like you've been a bit of a pain in the arse over the years, (who can honestly say they haven't?) But refreshing to see you recognise it, process it, and work to change it.
I never learnt to drive, which probably makes me a great passenger. Couldn't get away with that in the States, though, where a 5-hour drive is considered a short journey. Any place here that takes more than two hours by car to get to is considered long-distance and rarely happens.
Happy new year, mate.