Really enjoyed this - love the honesty, the reflection and the humour. But also the way it's reminded me that - at the moment - I'm a rather bad passenger as my daughter is learning to drive. It's a HELL of a lot different here in England (we live just outside what I consider to be the capital of roundabouts - it's unbelievable how many multi-lane, double- and triple- ones there are) than it was in rural mountainous NC in the mid-80s. I find myself drawing sharp breaths, gripping the oh-shit handle and pulling it away from the edge of the road, applying my phantom brakes and - definitely making far too many suggestions. And she's told me this in no uncertain terms. Granted, she's learning - but she's learning well - and I am trying to loosen up, but ...
Though I guess it's telling that she prefers driving with me rather than her mother!
Oh my, those roundabouts would be a trial! For some reason--no wait, amend that, for reasons that I’d not care to examine--I didn’t have a hard time with my kids when they were learning. I only had a hard time with my wife. Was she a legitimately bad driver or did I just have control issues? Hmm. My entire time in England I was a passenger, but I really would like to try my hand with those roundabouts. Next time.
As long as you know which lane to get into - and which exit you need to take - roundabouts are, as they say here, a piece of piss. Unless you're the parent of a 17 y/o trying to cross the M3 at rush hour!
Thought you were describing me as the worst passenger in the world - slightly ashamed to say this has been be. I do eventually get used to the person driving me around and settle down but that takes a long while! I much prefer driving. Due to my health cannot drive far now though and hubby is an incredibly nervous driver. Makes for interesting drives 😳 still just about married but it has only been 2 years!
As a fellow control freak, this could not be that easy for you. I applaud you at how introspective you were. I suffer from being the worst passenger when I ride with my bestie. I'm gonna have to try to be a better passenger, but it's so damn hard.
Reminded me of me post hernia surgery very high on fentanyl doing 10.000 steps the next day. They had to keep me in over night as I was so high on ..... fentanyl I didn’t realise my right leg was still numb from the nerve block and when I got up to pee pre discharge the leg buckled and the poor nurse had to catch me. I managed to catch a bit of the bed. Next day plus 10000 steps I got home. Day after that I was set to volunteer at a park run. Pre run was needing to pee so took a trip to the toilets in the golf course club house where we cake and coffee etc post run. On way back to start line I think I may be late for the start and felt my body move into a run. Clarity came quick and sure. I managed to stop myself. How did I end up so high on the fentanyl? It went like this.... I wake up in post op in recovery. The staff ask me if I am in any pain.... would I like something for it. I’m not really but thinking a head I reason we’ll I’m sure to be soon... so the give me some I.v. A short seeming while later they return to ask how I am.... any better ? Well no (but it wasn’t at all bad to begin with) so they give me double the first dose. It took me around 4 days to come down off that. Plus the dihydrocodeine.... and boy was I constipated. It was like sitting on a log.
Ah man this brought back some painful memories of those first couple of days following hernia surgery. My god!
I'm enjoying your self-reflection recently. Seems like you've been a bit of a pain in the arse over the years, (who can honestly say they haven't?) But refreshing to see you recognise it, process it, and work to change it.
I never learnt to drive, which probably makes me a great passenger. Couldn't get away with that in the States, though, where a 5-hour drive is considered a short journey. Any place here that takes more than two hours by car to get to is considered long-distance and rarely happens.
Happy New Year Kris. Never learned to drive? I can’t even imagine! I’m doing some experimentation with the personal essay format lately. It feels like the right form for me, but I need to bathe it in the purifying fire of intense criticism. You know I’m always interested in hearing where something doesn’t land. You can tell me anything (especially you, I trust you).
Ah, glad to hear I've earnt your trust. You know I'll tell you, although I'd probably do it by email if I was gonna tell you it didn't land. This one did, though.
Man, I wish I knew how to drive. I took some lessons when I was 17, I wasn't very good, my ADHD (especially at that age) was off the scale. I'd be veering off to the side constantly without even realising I wasn't going in a straight line. Then I'd be going through red lights, distracted by the hot girl walking along the pavement. Shit like that. Then I left the country midway through my lessons, and didn't go back for like four years, and after that I couldn't afford lessons. And the longer the years have gone on, the more alien it seems to me to be in control of a vehicle, surrounded by other idiots in control of vehicles, I just feel like someone would die or at the least get very badly mangled, very soon into me having a licence.
Saying that, I do still plan to learn one of these days. Personally I'd like to just go learn automatic, which I think is quite popular in the States. Whereas over here, almost every car has a stick, and the only person I know who drives an automatic is my mum. You don't really see it over here.
Sometimes, an extra pair of eyes can be helpful, or potentially so. For example, sometimes Elaine will say "There's a cyclist up there with no lights and wearing dark clothes". I've usually seen it but sometimes I haven't. I did have a friend once who was the worst passenger ever. He kept exagerratingly "braking" or nearly leaping out of his seat. The breaking point for came when he shouted at me:
Him: YOU NEED TO BRAKE. THEY'RE BREAKING UP AHEAD.
Me: Yes I know they are.
Him: BUT YOU DIDN'T REACT!!!
Me: Yes, I did react. I evaluated whether or not I needed to brake, or whether I was far enough behind to not do so, so I didn't, and as you can see I was right.
I then pulled up at a bus stop, in the middle of nowhere, and said: I'm giving you a choice. Either get a grip on yourself or get out now. He elected to behave himself, thereby proving that such behaviour is entirely voluntary. I have to say, Tom, I admire your honesty in admitting to this failing of yours, but if I'd have been driving I'd have given you a similar choice! And Sara was absolutey right to do and say what she did. 😁
That was straight-up the smartest thing to do Terry! I told my daughter growing up that she never had to take any crap from anybody, but I don’t think that was the message my wife got growing up, so she probably just tolerated my bullshit, which likely only encouraged it to get worse. I basically take your approach whenever anybody tries to tell me how to drive.
Another fine article on a matter that many of us can relate to, even in a bit of a smaller capacity. I will admit that I can be a difficult passenger as well, but fortunately for my wife not all that regularly. However, when it comes out it seems to come out with a vengeance and I seem to reserve my wrath for when she tailgates (from my passenger viewpoint).
I have also learned that my criticism has not proven useful even one time over the many years of our marriage, and has only led to hard feelings that I needed to apologize for eventually. It is good to know when you are the problem, and as my wife always points out when I'm critical about these things, "as long as we have been together, have I ever caused an accident due to my direct actions as a driver?". The answer is a very resounding NO. Case closed.
Oh yeah. I can identify. Good that you recognized the moment to "Say nothing." : ) Once I let myself share the driving, I discovered my wife is a good driver. Especially nice when going long distance. Was actually quite nice, being able to hold my eyes off of the road long enough to look around. I hope your knee replacement went well. Mine did. Wish I'd done it well before I did.
Yeah, it really is nice just to look around while someone drives, isn’t it? Another vote in favor of the knee replacement ... I’m glad to hear it. I’ve got some hiking to do in Scotland, eventually.
Thank you. I’m going to give you a serious reply, because your comment made me think that one of the things that I value most is looking with clear eyes at the darkest parts of myself (indeed, at the dark side of life in general). One of the things I don’t want to do is fool myself, lie to myself, so I try to be open to seeing where I might be going wrong. Perhaps it’s a necessary corrective to what might also be characterized as my arrogance, my general conviction that I’m right about, oh, everything. Fucking charming, right? 😀
I'm laughing, because Bryan and I do this to each other. It's so infuriating to be on the receiving end, and yet equally infuriating to be shut down when I'm "giving advice."
I love how your story captures this long-term-relationship dynamic that is so universal!
You both do it!!?? Now that must make for some fun car drives. Sara used to every now and then give me a taste of my own medicine, and of course it drove me nuts. But she couldn’t sustain it--it just wasn’t her.
I thought that story sounded awful familiar, so you don't mention whether or not you've been able to sustain your ability to be a good passenger...I find it hard to believe that you never given Sara just a little help with her driving on occasion!
Really enjoyed this - love the honesty, the reflection and the humour. But also the way it's reminded me that - at the moment - I'm a rather bad passenger as my daughter is learning to drive. It's a HELL of a lot different here in England (we live just outside what I consider to be the capital of roundabouts - it's unbelievable how many multi-lane, double- and triple- ones there are) than it was in rural mountainous NC in the mid-80s. I find myself drawing sharp breaths, gripping the oh-shit handle and pulling it away from the edge of the road, applying my phantom brakes and - definitely making far too many suggestions. And she's told me this in no uncertain terms. Granted, she's learning - but she's learning well - and I am trying to loosen up, but ...
Though I guess it's telling that she prefers driving with me rather than her mother!
Oh my, those roundabouts would be a trial! For some reason--no wait, amend that, for reasons that I’d not care to examine--I didn’t have a hard time with my kids when they were learning. I only had a hard time with my wife. Was she a legitimately bad driver or did I just have control issues? Hmm. My entire time in England I was a passenger, but I really would like to try my hand with those roundabouts. Next time.
As long as you know which lane to get into - and which exit you need to take - roundabouts are, as they say here, a piece of piss. Unless you're the parent of a 17 y/o trying to cross the M3 at rush hour!
Kudos to Sara for not intentionally crashing the car just to get some peace.
Now Amy! I'm going to have to delete this comment just so Sara doesn't get any ideas! (But I've improved, really I have.)
Hahahaha!
Thought you were describing me as the worst passenger in the world - slightly ashamed to say this has been be. I do eventually get used to the person driving me around and settle down but that takes a long while! I much prefer driving. Due to my health cannot drive far now though and hubby is an incredibly nervous driver. Makes for interesting drives 😳 still just about married but it has only been 2 years!
Ah, another one! I'm better now, mostly, but I much prefer if I can drive too. Good luck working it out with your husband.
Tom, I absolutely loved this post!
*coughs*
Also.... I'm sending it to my husband right now.... 👀
Oh, I’m glad, and you would not be the first. My PhD advisor (who I still keep in touch with) sent it to her husband, who fessed up.
As a fellow control freak, this could not be that easy for you. I applaud you at how introspective you were. I suffer from being the worst passenger when I ride with my bestie. I'm gonna have to try to be a better passenger, but it's so damn hard.
That’s funny, I don’t hear that many women who admit to this tendency. But you ARE kind of a special case, aren’t you?
Reminded me of me post hernia surgery very high on fentanyl doing 10.000 steps the next day. They had to keep me in over night as I was so high on ..... fentanyl I didn’t realise my right leg was still numb from the nerve block and when I got up to pee pre discharge the leg buckled and the poor nurse had to catch me. I managed to catch a bit of the bed. Next day plus 10000 steps I got home. Day after that I was set to volunteer at a park run. Pre run was needing to pee so took a trip to the toilets in the golf course club house where we cake and coffee etc post run. On way back to start line I think I may be late for the start and felt my body move into a run. Clarity came quick and sure. I managed to stop myself. How did I end up so high on the fentanyl? It went like this.... I wake up in post op in recovery. The staff ask me if I am in any pain.... would I like something for it. I’m not really but thinking a head I reason we’ll I’m sure to be soon... so the give me some I.v. A short seeming while later they return to ask how I am.... any better ? Well no (but it wasn’t at all bad to begin with) so they give me double the first dose. It took me around 4 days to come down off that. Plus the dihydrocodeine.... and boy was I constipated. It was like sitting on a log.
You mad Me laugh.
I’m hoping for something a little more low key! Yikes.
You and my husband should go bowling 😂. Except you’re capable of self-reflection and personal growth, so you may not enjoy it 😏.
Would he criticize my bowling? (There’d be a lot to criticize!) Men can learn, Amy, they just need to be properly motivated.
Not openly, but he’d be thinking it 🤭. And I never said men couldn’t learn; just this man 😆
Another thoughtful and fascinating read Tom!
Ah man this brought back some painful memories of those first couple of days following hernia surgery. My god!
I'm enjoying your self-reflection recently. Seems like you've been a bit of a pain in the arse over the years, (who can honestly say they haven't?) But refreshing to see you recognise it, process it, and work to change it.
I never learnt to drive, which probably makes me a great passenger. Couldn't get away with that in the States, though, where a 5-hour drive is considered a short journey. Any place here that takes more than two hours by car to get to is considered long-distance and rarely happens.
Happy new year, mate.
Happy New Year Kris. Never learned to drive? I can’t even imagine! I’m doing some experimentation with the personal essay format lately. It feels like the right form for me, but I need to bathe it in the purifying fire of intense criticism. You know I’m always interested in hearing where something doesn’t land. You can tell me anything (especially you, I trust you).
Ah, glad to hear I've earnt your trust. You know I'll tell you, although I'd probably do it by email if I was gonna tell you it didn't land. This one did, though.
Man, I wish I knew how to drive. I took some lessons when I was 17, I wasn't very good, my ADHD (especially at that age) was off the scale. I'd be veering off to the side constantly without even realising I wasn't going in a straight line. Then I'd be going through red lights, distracted by the hot girl walking along the pavement. Shit like that. Then I left the country midway through my lessons, and didn't go back for like four years, and after that I couldn't afford lessons. And the longer the years have gone on, the more alien it seems to me to be in control of a vehicle, surrounded by other idiots in control of vehicles, I just feel like someone would die or at the least get very badly mangled, very soon into me having a licence.
Saying that, I do still plan to learn one of these days. Personally I'd like to just go learn automatic, which I think is quite popular in the States. Whereas over here, almost every car has a stick, and the only person I know who drives an automatic is my mum. You don't really see it over here.
It's so hard to be a 'good' passenger, especially when you're with someone that follows more closely than you're comfortable with. Sigh. Good for you
Sometimes, an extra pair of eyes can be helpful, or potentially so. For example, sometimes Elaine will say "There's a cyclist up there with no lights and wearing dark clothes". I've usually seen it but sometimes I haven't. I did have a friend once who was the worst passenger ever. He kept exagerratingly "braking" or nearly leaping out of his seat. The breaking point for came when he shouted at me:
Him: YOU NEED TO BRAKE. THEY'RE BREAKING UP AHEAD.
Me: Yes I know they are.
Him: BUT YOU DIDN'T REACT!!!
Me: Yes, I did react. I evaluated whether or not I needed to brake, or whether I was far enough behind to not do so, so I didn't, and as you can see I was right.
I then pulled up at a bus stop, in the middle of nowhere, and said: I'm giving you a choice. Either get a grip on yourself or get out now. He elected to behave himself, thereby proving that such behaviour is entirely voluntary. I have to say, Tom, I admire your honesty in admitting to this failing of yours, but if I'd have been driving I'd have given you a similar choice! And Sara was absolutey right to do and say what she did. 😁
That was straight-up the smartest thing to do Terry! I told my daughter growing up that she never had to take any crap from anybody, but I don’t think that was the message my wife got growing up, so she probably just tolerated my bullshit, which likely only encouraged it to get worse. I basically take your approach whenever anybody tries to tell me how to drive.
Another fine article on a matter that many of us can relate to, even in a bit of a smaller capacity. I will admit that I can be a difficult passenger as well, but fortunately for my wife not all that regularly. However, when it comes out it seems to come out with a vengeance and I seem to reserve my wrath for when she tailgates (from my passenger viewpoint).
I have also learned that my criticism has not proven useful even one time over the many years of our marriage, and has only led to hard feelings that I needed to apologize for eventually. It is good to know when you are the problem, and as my wife always points out when I'm critical about these things, "as long as we have been together, have I ever caused an accident due to my direct actions as a driver?". The answer is a very resounding NO. Case closed.
Yeah, i like the way you put that. I don’t think there’s one time when Sara said, Boy, all your comments really helped me out.
Oh yeah. I can identify. Good that you recognized the moment to "Say nothing." : ) Once I let myself share the driving, I discovered my wife is a good driver. Especially nice when going long distance. Was actually quite nice, being able to hold my eyes off of the road long enough to look around. I hope your knee replacement went well. Mine did. Wish I'd done it well before I did.
Yeah, it really is nice just to look around while someone drives, isn’t it? Another vote in favor of the knee replacement ... I’m glad to hear it. I’ve got some hiking to do in Scotland, eventually.
You wield a wicked mirror there. Thanks for that.
Thank you. I’m going to give you a serious reply, because your comment made me think that one of the things that I value most is looking with clear eyes at the darkest parts of myself (indeed, at the dark side of life in general). One of the things I don’t want to do is fool myself, lie to myself, so I try to be open to seeing where I might be going wrong. Perhaps it’s a necessary corrective to what might also be characterized as my arrogance, my general conviction that I’m right about, oh, everything. Fucking charming, right? 😀
I'm laughing, because Bryan and I do this to each other. It's so infuriating to be on the receiving end, and yet equally infuriating to be shut down when I'm "giving advice."
I love how your story captures this long-term-relationship dynamic that is so universal!
You both do it!!?? Now that must make for some fun car drives. Sara used to every now and then give me a taste of my own medicine, and of course it drove me nuts. But she couldn’t sustain it--it just wasn’t her.
I thought that story sounded awful familiar, so you don't mention whether or not you've been able to sustain your ability to be a good passenger...I find it hard to believe that you never given Sara just a little help with her driving on occasion!
I’m not perfect, still, but I think I’m a lot better. You’ll have to ask Sara.