Absolutely amazing! Writing is about seeing through the eyes of others, having a perspective that is uniquely yours yet can resonate universally and transcend boundaries. This is amazing—keep it up! Can't wait for more. Just subscribed!
Jack, thanks a lot, I appreciate the kind words. I wrote myself into a corner on my last piece and I’m trying to figure a way out, but I’ll be back. I don’t like to keep a schedule: I just like to write when I think what I have to say is both worth saying and good enough.
Coming at this a bit late due to my reading schedule these days, but - damn. Great job. It's the quality reciprocity that makes this whole enterprise worth the time and effort. Well said and well illustrated! Love the photos.
Thanks! That means a lot. I like to think I'm the same me online as I am in person. The only material difference is that online I'm a bit more edited as I never publish anything until I've re-read it a few times. Which I can't say always happens in my offline life ....
Thank you, as always, for writing! I appreciate these reminders for how I wish to write, also in what I want to read. While I try write about what I learn and how I learn it without sounding like a know-it-all, my kids have expressed their distaste of my excessively moralizing tone when I talk to them, so I definitely have that to work on. This makes me think of that movie, Julie and Julie. Julie becomes lost in the minuscule world of attention getting and writing about herself and her "woes". She bounces back a bit in the end. I liked the movie, mostly I like Meryl Streep's acting. But I remember thinking how I never want to let that tornado of self-pity have a place in my writing. Nor do I want the celebration of me and my to be any kind of focus for my voice. Goodness, I will make sure that remains the case. Please, someone let me know if it doesn't.
Although, occasional outright bragging is more attractive than covert, false modesty bragging. The community I've found these past few months is happily one of comradery, mutual celebration, and the meaningful sharing of knowledge. I'll keep tuning out the rest.
Thanks for the comment. Our own kids are a good gauge, aren't they? They'll tell us if we're getting grating (at least mine will). It's such a delicate balance when you're writing personal essays ... I'm really struggling with one right now.
I like how thoughtful you are, and it's interesting how much you're thinking, "I don't want to sound like this or like that." I used to think that a lot when I was writing, too. I think about it less often now.
Writing is such a weird experience, especially when you're planning on putting it out into the world. We all need editing. We've all read things online and have thought to ourselves, "that could've used some editing." At the same time, how much self-editing is too much?
I guess that's up to us as writers. When I'm writing something, I feel like it still belongs to me. I can still make changes. I can decide it's fate. As soon as I hit the publish button, it stops being mine. It belongs to the people who read it. They edit it in their own heads using their own interpretations. They fit it into their own view of reality. They decide for themselves what it is. I think that's why I started thinking less about how things might sound to other people (I still do, of course). I realized that I can't control how people read things.
I’ve come back to your comment again and again … I think it’s around the idea of what I want my voice to “sound like,” and I guess my goal is I want it to sound exactly like me … the me who has time to think carefully, restate where I’ve been unclear, etc. If I get close to that, then it’s ready to go.
I think that's a good goal, and while I haven't heard you speak, I think you're probably achieving it. All of your work comes across as having a distinct voice and point of view.
I find your writing so refreshing, Tom. I've been thinking about your "metrics" essay for a while and this is a good companion piece to that and an answer to the question "why write?" It can be so easy to get lost in the numbers game. This is a good reminder about thinking on the page and inviting readers into conversation.
Hey Tom! This article really resonated with me and I want to thank you for writing it. I am a relatively new writer, at least in terms of public disclosure, and I am still working to find my voice. My goal in writing is to invite and induce novel thought about obscure or painful topics, things that are largely stigmatized or generalized by our society. I felt right "at home" while reading your work and it has inspired some productive self-reflection on my own. My theories and recovery are the foundations of my essays but I do strive to create an inclusive and welcoming space for anyone who happens to read them. Whether I am achieving that, I am not so sure. Anyways, I am grateful to have found your blog and look forward to reading more! All the best my friend.
Thanks for your note. It’s a tricky needle we’re trying to thread, I think. I try to just read very widely, to gauge how other people are making it work, and then pay attention to the level of engagement I get. But you know, I don’t propose that my way works for everyone … there seems to be a lot of interest in people writing about past traumas, almost as a form of therapy. Good luck figuring it out.
Yeah, one way communication. It does make my butt tired, but it is also interesting in the sense that I've been wondering if it has always been that way, or if we're all turning into a bunch of self-indulgent narcissists, or if it has something to do with the way we are being groomed to communicate now. We toss out a grenade of words on X or Instagram, post a selfie on Facebook, and never really engage in any meaningful back and forth conversation enriched by actually doing it in person.
Curiosity is a big driver for me. People are interesting, so I'm curious about them. But if someone is going to become my friend, they need to show a little respect and exhibit a little curiosity about me and my life, too. If not, I don't want to waste my time.
I tend to go with the idea that there’s a latent propensity for narcissism within the human population, and that it gets exacerbated or distorted when our means of cultural exchange—like social media—draw out this propensity. If there were some cultural force that promoted reciprocity and humility instead, I bet we’d see it decline.
Thanks, Tom, for this dive into Substack writing... friendships, reading and writing. It's spot on in my view. Appreciate this. It's more than I would want to devote time to, and yet, so incredibly important for my journey, so I appreciate your post.
Bravo, Tom. Thank you for this (and your audio). Once again, thoughtful insights delivered with honesty/humility. Everybody in this thread: Let’s start a reciprocity club!!! Tom, you’re Prez. 😀
This personal essay stuff is all well and good, but I do wish you'd give us a bit of fiction every once in a while! :)
I couldn't agree with you more about the self-agrandising narcissistic writers on here, though. Such a turn off. I just can't find the motivation to read that sort of stuff anymore. Not that it's their fault. A narcissist doesn't choose to be one. But it is very boring.
I don't even read that many personal essays. Constantly trying to find good fiction to get my nose into, and there seems to be less and less of it on this platform, and more and more personal essays. Satire's another one I've not got time for, but that's probably more because most of the stuff I come across is American-written and America-centric (which I have no problem with! It just doesn't interest me as a non-American). --- By the way, I was in the US for a week at the end of the last month, San Francisco. I wouldn't mind living there, if not for the hidden costs of everything, and the fact I have to tip a barperson simply for passing me a bottle of beer from the fridge! Anyway, I digress.....
I'll end this unplanned comment with a narcissistic observation of my own. The audience member that I have in mind whenever I write anything at all, is me. I literally only want to write something that I myself can enjoy writing and equally enjoy reading. If anyone else happens to enjoy it, then I figure we're of a similar mind, and in a small minority of people.
I have a love/hate thing with San Francisco. It’s so damned beautiful and so fucking dissipated. I bet you loved it! What were you doing there? I’ve got some stuff banging around in the back of my head that I can never put in a “personal essay,” but I don’t know what to do with it. It’s like some of your stuff, maybe: scenes. Episodes. They don’t go anywhere. But anyway, I love reading your stuff; thanks for reading mine.
I did love SF, but mainly because of legalisation and the quality product on offer in the dispensaries. And for way fairer prices than I'd find anywhere in Europe, at least for that standard of product. My wife's one of those people who will wake up at 6 every morning in a new city to make sure she sees every single neighbourhood and street, so I feel like we saw most things. The way the Republicans go on about it (I'd seen a few videos before going), you'd think San Francisco was some kind of zombie apocalypse hell hole. That wasn't my impression at all. Yea, there were zombies, but even in the worst areas we passed through I never felt in any danger, and those areas, even the tent cities, were still less filthy than most places in Paris. We did a few really interesting historical tours, organised by local library guides, and I feel like I came away with an understanding of the history of the city, including all the different ethnic migrations, etc.... So yea, overall, I liked it, and had no problem with the seedier side of things either. Managed to take in an NBA game as well, something that teenage me could only have ever dreamed of. Saw the Nuggets beat the Warriors. Fucking expensive over your side of the pond though. Maybe it's not so bad if you're on an American salary, but a week there was definitely the limit for our budget. Why did we go there? Week off work (school holiday), and incredibly cheap flights (so long as we didn't check any luggage). Wife's always wanted to go there, so we did.
If you've got stuff banging around in your head that you can't put in a personal essay, just change names, embellish and add details, and stick it in a story. That's my advice anyway.
That's cool, sounds like a good trip. I used to go down to San Francisco once or twice a year for like ten years, really grew to like a lot about the city. And I'd walk through the Tenderloin to go to this dive Pakistani restaurant and didn't really worry about it. My dad taught at San Fran State in the late 1960s, right when the shit hit the fan there. He got knifed in a stairwell, I still don't know why, and then he and my mom packed us all up and moved to fucking Detroit! As for the writing advice, I think you're probably right on that. I actually wrote one part of this story and submitted it anonymously ... I need to go dig that up. American sports are so expensive, I generally don't go. But what I wouldn't give to attend a game at Anfield! I'd pay up for that. That's cool you got to see the Nuggets though, their big guy is supposed to be pretty special.
Anfield, eh? Well, I guess I can see the appeal to a non-native, not bagged down by tribal loyalties and prejudices. Personally, I can't be doing with Liverpool supporters, and once they start singing You'll Never Walk Alone I'm out of there! :D (From what I read online, it's the same way a lot of Americans feel about the Cowboys. Although I know nothing about American Football).
Jokić was something to see, definitely, but I was more awestruck by Steph Curry, even in the warm-up nevermind the match itself. Swish after swish after swish. What a player he is. But yea, fuck me was it expensive! 20 bucks for a can of beer. A can!!!!
Oh yes. I read this very early this morning. And thought what an excellent reminder for us all. Often when I write I write TO a person. But also I thoroughly enjoy the comments when I get to discuss things WITH someone. Because we cannot write in a void. We need to open ourselves to our readers. Such a lot to learn as we wander through our lives. Thank you for writing such excellent work.
Good reading Tom. I resonated by many of your thoughts especially since I am still trying to come to grips with how to get my flipping book into a book. Thanks for emphasizing the relationship between a writer and a reader.
Absolutely amazing! Writing is about seeing through the eyes of others, having a perspective that is uniquely yours yet can resonate universally and transcend boundaries. This is amazing—keep it up! Can't wait for more. Just subscribed!
Jack, thanks a lot, I appreciate the kind words. I wrote myself into a corner on my last piece and I’m trying to figure a way out, but I’ll be back. I don’t like to keep a schedule: I just like to write when I think what I have to say is both worth saying and good enough.
Coming at this a bit late due to my reading schedule these days, but - damn. Great job. It's the quality reciprocity that makes this whole enterprise worth the time and effort. Well said and well illustrated! Love the photos.
Thanks Bryan, you’re one of my models for how to do it right
Thanks! That means a lot. I like to think I'm the same me online as I am in person. The only material difference is that online I'm a bit more edited as I never publish anything until I've re-read it a few times. Which I can't say always happens in my offline life ....
Thank you, as always, for writing! I appreciate these reminders for how I wish to write, also in what I want to read. While I try write about what I learn and how I learn it without sounding like a know-it-all, my kids have expressed their distaste of my excessively moralizing tone when I talk to them, so I definitely have that to work on. This makes me think of that movie, Julie and Julie. Julie becomes lost in the minuscule world of attention getting and writing about herself and her "woes". She bounces back a bit in the end. I liked the movie, mostly I like Meryl Streep's acting. But I remember thinking how I never want to let that tornado of self-pity have a place in my writing. Nor do I want the celebration of me and my to be any kind of focus for my voice. Goodness, I will make sure that remains the case. Please, someone let me know if it doesn't.
Although, occasional outright bragging is more attractive than covert, false modesty bragging. The community I've found these past few months is happily one of comradery, mutual celebration, and the meaningful sharing of knowledge. I'll keep tuning out the rest.
Thanks for the comment. Our own kids are a good gauge, aren't they? They'll tell us if we're getting grating (at least mine will). It's such a delicate balance when you're writing personal essays ... I'm really struggling with one right now.
I can’t wait to read it!
Terrific post, Tom - this is everything I needed to read just now. 🙌
Glad you liked it Rebecca.
I like how thoughtful you are, and it's interesting how much you're thinking, "I don't want to sound like this or like that." I used to think that a lot when I was writing, too. I think about it less often now.
Writing is such a weird experience, especially when you're planning on putting it out into the world. We all need editing. We've all read things online and have thought to ourselves, "that could've used some editing." At the same time, how much self-editing is too much?
I guess that's up to us as writers. When I'm writing something, I feel like it still belongs to me. I can still make changes. I can decide it's fate. As soon as I hit the publish button, it stops being mine. It belongs to the people who read it. They edit it in their own heads using their own interpretations. They fit it into their own view of reality. They decide for themselves what it is. I think that's why I started thinking less about how things might sound to other people (I still do, of course). I realized that I can't control how people read things.
I’ve come back to your comment again and again … I think it’s around the idea of what I want my voice to “sound like,” and I guess my goal is I want it to sound exactly like me … the me who has time to think carefully, restate where I’ve been unclear, etc. If I get close to that, then it’s ready to go.
I think that's a good goal, and while I haven't heard you speak, I think you're probably achieving it. All of your work comes across as having a distinct voice and point of view.
I find your writing so refreshing, Tom. I've been thinking about your "metrics" essay for a while and this is a good companion piece to that and an answer to the question "why write?" It can be so easy to get lost in the numbers game. This is a good reminder about thinking on the page and inviting readers into conversation.
Hey, thanks, that’s so nice.
Hey Tom! This article really resonated with me and I want to thank you for writing it. I am a relatively new writer, at least in terms of public disclosure, and I am still working to find my voice. My goal in writing is to invite and induce novel thought about obscure or painful topics, things that are largely stigmatized or generalized by our society. I felt right "at home" while reading your work and it has inspired some productive self-reflection on my own. My theories and recovery are the foundations of my essays but I do strive to create an inclusive and welcoming space for anyone who happens to read them. Whether I am achieving that, I am not so sure. Anyways, I am grateful to have found your blog and look forward to reading more! All the best my friend.
Thanks for your note. It’s a tricky needle we’re trying to thread, I think. I try to just read very widely, to gauge how other people are making it work, and then pay attention to the level of engagement I get. But you know, I don’t propose that my way works for everyone … there seems to be a lot of interest in people writing about past traumas, almost as a form of therapy. Good luck figuring it out.
Well done, Tom!
Yeah, one way communication. It does make my butt tired, but it is also interesting in the sense that I've been wondering if it has always been that way, or if we're all turning into a bunch of self-indulgent narcissists, or if it has something to do with the way we are being groomed to communicate now. We toss out a grenade of words on X or Instagram, post a selfie on Facebook, and never really engage in any meaningful back and forth conversation enriched by actually doing it in person.
Curiosity is a big driver for me. People are interesting, so I'm curious about them. But if someone is going to become my friend, they need to show a little respect and exhibit a little curiosity about me and my life, too. If not, I don't want to waste my time.
I tend to go with the idea that there’s a latent propensity for narcissism within the human population, and that it gets exacerbated or distorted when our means of cultural exchange—like social media—draw out this propensity. If there were some cultural force that promoted reciprocity and humility instead, I bet we’d see it decline.
Wonderful photos and thoughts on the relationship between writer and reader. I hope my humor inspires.
Thanks! It inspires laughter! Just what it’s supposed to do, right? 😀
Thanks, Tom, for this dive into Substack writing... friendships, reading and writing. It's spot on in my view. Appreciate this. It's more than I would want to devote time to, and yet, so incredibly important for my journey, so I appreciate your post.
Thanks Sue
Bravo, Tom. Thank you for this (and your audio). Once again, thoughtful insights delivered with honesty/humility. Everybody in this thread: Let’s start a reciprocity club!!! Tom, you’re Prez. 😀
A reciprocity club sounds fun … can we bring a flask of whisky and sleep in tents?
This is what draws me in and what I hope my writing to invite too—Tom. To conversation, contemplation, and communal considering and opening. ♥️
This personal essay stuff is all well and good, but I do wish you'd give us a bit of fiction every once in a while! :)
I couldn't agree with you more about the self-agrandising narcissistic writers on here, though. Such a turn off. I just can't find the motivation to read that sort of stuff anymore. Not that it's their fault. A narcissist doesn't choose to be one. But it is very boring.
I don't even read that many personal essays. Constantly trying to find good fiction to get my nose into, and there seems to be less and less of it on this platform, and more and more personal essays. Satire's another one I've not got time for, but that's probably more because most of the stuff I come across is American-written and America-centric (which I have no problem with! It just doesn't interest me as a non-American). --- By the way, I was in the US for a week at the end of the last month, San Francisco. I wouldn't mind living there, if not for the hidden costs of everything, and the fact I have to tip a barperson simply for passing me a bottle of beer from the fridge! Anyway, I digress.....
I'll end this unplanned comment with a narcissistic observation of my own. The audience member that I have in mind whenever I write anything at all, is me. I literally only want to write something that I myself can enjoy writing and equally enjoy reading. If anyone else happens to enjoy it, then I figure we're of a similar mind, and in a small minority of people.
I have a love/hate thing with San Francisco. It’s so damned beautiful and so fucking dissipated. I bet you loved it! What were you doing there? I’ve got some stuff banging around in the back of my head that I can never put in a “personal essay,” but I don’t know what to do with it. It’s like some of your stuff, maybe: scenes. Episodes. They don’t go anywhere. But anyway, I love reading your stuff; thanks for reading mine.
I did love SF, but mainly because of legalisation and the quality product on offer in the dispensaries. And for way fairer prices than I'd find anywhere in Europe, at least for that standard of product. My wife's one of those people who will wake up at 6 every morning in a new city to make sure she sees every single neighbourhood and street, so I feel like we saw most things. The way the Republicans go on about it (I'd seen a few videos before going), you'd think San Francisco was some kind of zombie apocalypse hell hole. That wasn't my impression at all. Yea, there were zombies, but even in the worst areas we passed through I never felt in any danger, and those areas, even the tent cities, were still less filthy than most places in Paris. We did a few really interesting historical tours, organised by local library guides, and I feel like I came away with an understanding of the history of the city, including all the different ethnic migrations, etc.... So yea, overall, I liked it, and had no problem with the seedier side of things either. Managed to take in an NBA game as well, something that teenage me could only have ever dreamed of. Saw the Nuggets beat the Warriors. Fucking expensive over your side of the pond though. Maybe it's not so bad if you're on an American salary, but a week there was definitely the limit for our budget. Why did we go there? Week off work (school holiday), and incredibly cheap flights (so long as we didn't check any luggage). Wife's always wanted to go there, so we did.
If you've got stuff banging around in your head that you can't put in a personal essay, just change names, embellish and add details, and stick it in a story. That's my advice anyway.
That's cool, sounds like a good trip. I used to go down to San Francisco once or twice a year for like ten years, really grew to like a lot about the city. And I'd walk through the Tenderloin to go to this dive Pakistani restaurant and didn't really worry about it. My dad taught at San Fran State in the late 1960s, right when the shit hit the fan there. He got knifed in a stairwell, I still don't know why, and then he and my mom packed us all up and moved to fucking Detroit! As for the writing advice, I think you're probably right on that. I actually wrote one part of this story and submitted it anonymously ... I need to go dig that up. American sports are so expensive, I generally don't go. But what I wouldn't give to attend a game at Anfield! I'd pay up for that. That's cool you got to see the Nuggets though, their big guy is supposed to be pretty special.
Anfield, eh? Well, I guess I can see the appeal to a non-native, not bagged down by tribal loyalties and prejudices. Personally, I can't be doing with Liverpool supporters, and once they start singing You'll Never Walk Alone I'm out of there! :D (From what I read online, it's the same way a lot of Americans feel about the Cowboys. Although I know nothing about American Football).
Jokić was something to see, definitely, but I was more awestruck by Steph Curry, even in the warm-up nevermind the match itself. Swish after swish after swish. What a player he is. But yea, fuck me was it expensive! 20 bucks for a can of beer. A can!!!!
Oh yes. I read this very early this morning. And thought what an excellent reminder for us all. Often when I write I write TO a person. But also I thoroughly enjoy the comments when I get to discuss things WITH someone. Because we cannot write in a void. We need to open ourselves to our readers. Such a lot to learn as we wander through our lives. Thank you for writing such excellent work.
Aw, thanks so much. We’re most powerful when we’re vulnerable I think.
Good reading Tom. I resonated by many of your thoughts especially since I am still trying to come to grips with how to get my flipping book into a book. Thanks for emphasizing the relationship between a writer and a reader.
Glad you liked it Carole … making that voice really personal and direct could really help your book, and there’s some of that in there already.
What a lovely essay, Tom. :-)
Thanks so much