I'd never considered I'm actually writing to an audience of one, so thanks for that. It helps me consider my own authenticity and this idea that I should be speaking as if to an audience of one.
On the idea of reciprocity in person it does take practice and self awareness. About 10-15 years ago I recognized I was monopolizing conversations with trite sarcastic responses to try and interject humor. I wasn't really listening. Now I actively speak in my head "shut up and listen". Because they may just need to get something off their chest.
It also took recognizing that other people aren't naturally trained to listen, which means trained to ask questions. It's that natural curiosity you discussed. You can do an experiment next time and relate an anectdote similar to their own. Share something in response that requires them to ask a question. If they don't or continually parrot their own response to your response, then you know it's not going to be reciprocal.
Great essay, as usual Tom. Plus, you've introduced me to some other great writers, so thanks for that! (I'm climbing back out of that pleasant rabbit hole now to reply to this... lol)
You've given me a lot to think about. I try to approach my how-tos as suggestions rather than edicts from on high. That's how it always goes in my head: "here's something you can try" rather than "this is what you should do". I also use "this is what worked for me" wherever possible. However, I'm sure I've used "should" somewhere in there. (I'm too scared now to look...)
It's tough, though. It's difficult to give advice without seeming condescending or didactic, I've found.
I agree in principle that didactic writing in general is not a good thing. But don't some people *want* to just be told how to do a particular thing? If I go to YouTube to find out how to fix my dishwasher, then I very much want someone to say 1, 2, 3 -- this is how you do it. Aren't there some beginner writers out there who want the same thing? Or is it different because it's art versus an engineered piece of equipment?
This angst is compounded by my self-awareness that I can come off as overbearing sometimes (see your previous post on assholism...). In reality, I hate the idea of manipulating people into a certain action. But sometimes I get passionate about particular topics, which I know can come off as trying to do just that...
In any case. I still don't have a comprehensive answer to the whole "helpful hints" vs. "didactic one true path" question. I think both viewpoints are valid, even if I do try to lean towards the "helpful hints" side of the spectrum. At least in intent.
More to chew on...
BTW, I couldn't figure out the symbolism of the coat rack in your first photo. Does it mean that the two of you are "on the hook" with each other for the rest of your lives or that, being and empty coat rack, your relationship is "off the hook"? Enquiring minds want to know...
Love this. And I feel the same way about the style of personal writing I gravitate to online — I don’t love writing voices that are distant and disconnected.
I was a blogger in the mid 2000s when everyone wrote with intimacy and connectedness, then at some point the dominant writing style turned influency with bullet points and five steps to blah blah blah. I did not know how to write like that from a personal perspective—not that I couldn’t skill-wise, but that I couldn’t stomach it. So I quit. I didn’t write publicly for about 10 years until I gave it a go with Substack.
One of the reasons I start all my newsletters with “Hi, it’s me.” is to remind myself that it’s *me* writing to *you,* not me writing to “an audience.” I’m actually thinking about an essay on building community both online and off. Not sure if it will make it to the page, so to speak, but your thoughts here add to the conversation I’ve been having in my head.
Good reading Tom. I resonated by many of your thoughts especially since I am still trying to come to grips with how to get my flipping book into a book. Thanks for emphasizing the relationship between a writer and a reader.
Oh yes. I read this very early this morning. And thought what an excellent reminder for us all. Often when I write I write TO a person. But also I thoroughly enjoy the comments when I get to discuss things WITH someone. Because we cannot write in a void. We need to open ourselves to our readers. Such a lot to learn as we wander through our lives. Thank you for writing such excellent work.
This personal essay stuff is all well and good, but I do wish you'd give us a bit of fiction every once in a while! :)
I couldn't agree with you more about the self-agrandising narcissistic writers on here, though. Such a turn off. I just can't find the motivation to read that sort of stuff anymore. Not that it's their fault. A narcissist doesn't choose to be one. But it is very boring.
I don't even read that many personal essays. Constantly trying to find good fiction to get my nose into, and there seems to be less and less of it on this platform, and more and more personal essays. Satire's another one I've not got time for, but that's probably more because most of the stuff I come across is American-written and America-centric (which I have no problem with! It just doesn't interest me as a non-American). --- By the way, I was in the US for a week at the end of the last month, San Francisco. I wouldn't mind living there, if not for the hidden costs of everything, and the fact I have to tip a barperson simply for passing me a bottle of beer from the fridge! Anyway, I digress.....
I'll end this unplanned comment with a narcissistic observation of my own. The audience member that I have in mind whenever I write anything at all, is me. I literally only want to write something that I myself can enjoy writing and equally enjoy reading. If anyone else happens to enjoy it, then I figure we're of a similar mind, and in a small minority of people.
Bravo, Tom. Thank you for this (and your audio). Once again, thoughtful insights delivered with honesty/humility. Everybody in this thread: Let’s start a reciprocity club!!! Tom, you’re Prez. 😀
Thanks, Tom, for this dive into Substack writing... friendships, reading and writing. It's spot on in my view. Appreciate this. It's more than I would want to devote time to, and yet, so incredibly important for my journey, so I appreciate your post.
I've been intending to write about this very subject, Tom, but you've nailed it. Well said.
Thanks Tom, for the mention of my post. Looking forward to your next essay. And, yes, the didactic in any form is a turn-off to me as well.
"But if you make your woes—or, for that matter, your self-promotion or self-absorption—the driving force behind your writing, you’ll soon lose me."
You struck a chord with me there, Tom. My personal pet peeve. Really enjoyed this essay.
I would love some captions on the great pictures you included. It would appear that you are happy, active, "free ranging" and friendly people.
I'd never considered I'm actually writing to an audience of one, so thanks for that. It helps me consider my own authenticity and this idea that I should be speaking as if to an audience of one.
On the idea of reciprocity in person it does take practice and self awareness. About 10-15 years ago I recognized I was monopolizing conversations with trite sarcastic responses to try and interject humor. I wasn't really listening. Now I actively speak in my head "shut up and listen". Because they may just need to get something off their chest.
It also took recognizing that other people aren't naturally trained to listen, which means trained to ask questions. It's that natural curiosity you discussed. You can do an experiment next time and relate an anectdote similar to their own. Share something in response that requires them to ask a question. If they don't or continually parrot their own response to your response, then you know it's not going to be reciprocal.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Tom!
Great essay, as usual Tom. Plus, you've introduced me to some other great writers, so thanks for that! (I'm climbing back out of that pleasant rabbit hole now to reply to this... lol)
You've given me a lot to think about. I try to approach my how-tos as suggestions rather than edicts from on high. That's how it always goes in my head: "here's something you can try" rather than "this is what you should do". I also use "this is what worked for me" wherever possible. However, I'm sure I've used "should" somewhere in there. (I'm too scared now to look...)
It's tough, though. It's difficult to give advice without seeming condescending or didactic, I've found.
Just a couple of days ago, I read this thread on Reddit about what the OP calls "Social Media Writing Advice". (https://www.reddit.com/r/writing/comments/1b9q2r7/social_media_writing_advice_sucks_agree_or/) The question posed about whether or not it sucks both intrigues and repels me. I wanted to answer, but I didn't know which thread to pull.
I agree in principle that didactic writing in general is not a good thing. But don't some people *want* to just be told how to do a particular thing? If I go to YouTube to find out how to fix my dishwasher, then I very much want someone to say 1, 2, 3 -- this is how you do it. Aren't there some beginner writers out there who want the same thing? Or is it different because it's art versus an engineered piece of equipment?
This angst is compounded by my self-awareness that I can come off as overbearing sometimes (see your previous post on assholism...). In reality, I hate the idea of manipulating people into a certain action. But sometimes I get passionate about particular topics, which I know can come off as trying to do just that...
In any case. I still don't have a comprehensive answer to the whole "helpful hints" vs. "didactic one true path" question. I think both viewpoints are valid, even if I do try to lean towards the "helpful hints" side of the spectrum. At least in intent.
More to chew on...
BTW, I couldn't figure out the symbolism of the coat rack in your first photo. Does it mean that the two of you are "on the hook" with each other for the rest of your lives or that, being and empty coat rack, your relationship is "off the hook"? Enquiring minds want to know...
What a heartwarming piece to start a Sunday!
Love this. And I feel the same way about the style of personal writing I gravitate to online — I don’t love writing voices that are distant and disconnected.
I was a blogger in the mid 2000s when everyone wrote with intimacy and connectedness, then at some point the dominant writing style turned influency with bullet points and five steps to blah blah blah. I did not know how to write like that from a personal perspective—not that I couldn’t skill-wise, but that I couldn’t stomach it. So I quit. I didn’t write publicly for about 10 years until I gave it a go with Substack.
One of the reasons I start all my newsletters with “Hi, it’s me.” is to remind myself that it’s *me* writing to *you,* not me writing to “an audience.” I’m actually thinking about an essay on building community both online and off. Not sure if it will make it to the page, so to speak, but your thoughts here add to the conversation I’ve been having in my head.
p.s. Love, love, LOVE that shadow photo! 😍
What a lovely essay, Tom. :-)
Good reading Tom. I resonated by many of your thoughts especially since I am still trying to come to grips with how to get my flipping book into a book. Thanks for emphasizing the relationship between a writer and a reader.
Oh yes. I read this very early this morning. And thought what an excellent reminder for us all. Often when I write I write TO a person. But also I thoroughly enjoy the comments when I get to discuss things WITH someone. Because we cannot write in a void. We need to open ourselves to our readers. Such a lot to learn as we wander through our lives. Thank you for writing such excellent work.
This personal essay stuff is all well and good, but I do wish you'd give us a bit of fiction every once in a while! :)
I couldn't agree with you more about the self-agrandising narcissistic writers on here, though. Such a turn off. I just can't find the motivation to read that sort of stuff anymore. Not that it's their fault. A narcissist doesn't choose to be one. But it is very boring.
I don't even read that many personal essays. Constantly trying to find good fiction to get my nose into, and there seems to be less and less of it on this platform, and more and more personal essays. Satire's another one I've not got time for, but that's probably more because most of the stuff I come across is American-written and America-centric (which I have no problem with! It just doesn't interest me as a non-American). --- By the way, I was in the US for a week at the end of the last month, San Francisco. I wouldn't mind living there, if not for the hidden costs of everything, and the fact I have to tip a barperson simply for passing me a bottle of beer from the fridge! Anyway, I digress.....
I'll end this unplanned comment with a narcissistic observation of my own. The audience member that I have in mind whenever I write anything at all, is me. I literally only want to write something that I myself can enjoy writing and equally enjoy reading. If anyone else happens to enjoy it, then I figure we're of a similar mind, and in a small minority of people.
This is what draws me in and what I hope my writing to invite too—Tom. To conversation, contemplation, and communal considering and opening. ♥️
Bravo, Tom. Thank you for this (and your audio). Once again, thoughtful insights delivered with honesty/humility. Everybody in this thread: Let’s start a reciprocity club!!! Tom, you’re Prez. 😀
Thanks, Tom, for this dive into Substack writing... friendships, reading and writing. It's spot on in my view. Appreciate this. It's more than I would want to devote time to, and yet, so incredibly important for my journey, so I appreciate your post.
Wonderful photos and thoughts on the relationship between writer and reader. I hope my humor inspires.