Tom, I too am a recovering assaholic. My go to phrase is very similar. "Help me undertsand." With those three words, I am able to confess and convey to others what a dumbass I am, that I am eating humble pie, you are smarter than me, calling out my own ignorance and admitting that I need assistance. Significant progress for an assaholic like me. Loved this piece of work. Thanks for sharing.
This is great advice. I'm going to try this phrase the next time my kids are arguing over something inane.
The phrase I repeat often to myself when I'm worried others are judging me is this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt, “You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”
Thank you for this, Tom. I suffer as well. I now think of it as a bad aspect of my competitive nature. "I'm confused" is a wonderful work around. I'll try it! By the way, I'm jealous that you gained your "I'm confused" insight in 1998. I didn't realize I had the "assholism" problem until recently. Not wanting to destroy the relationship with my wife was my motivation to change, too.
Boy, that "competitive nature" stuff plays so well when you're trying to make it in the world, but it's so maladaptive to a loving relationship! I'm glad to hear you're working it out.
Loved this post, Tom - I've taken away plenty of learning points from it! Also, it's prompted me to remember some advice I'd heard for the first time as a very, very young child: 'Engage brain before opening mouth'.
Now, I wish I could say that I always DO that, but hey, nobody's perfect! 😉
Well, youth is wasted on the young, Tom - isn't that what they say?! 😉 I often look back and wish I'd lived my earlier life with a wiser head on my shoulders! 🤣
As a longtime mental wheel-spinner and self—storyteller, I can really appreciate this. I spend a lot of time trying to parse meaning from online comments and reactions, this feels like a good tip to help with that.
Oh yeah, this rule really pertains to online life doesn't it? I pull out another of my golden rules ("It's not about you") whenever some comment feels really off-base.
I use it all the time. You "taught" me to use it and I swear it really does stop me from saying something I may later regret. But what I love most about this piece is for someone who had Assholism you took the time to understand it and work on it. I know a lot of A-holes who do not.
"Taught" is probably not the right word: I demonstrated it's use not backfiring in any case, and you were smart enough to take it up. And thanks for the compliment. I always knew when I was being an asshole and I didn't like myself for it. I wonder if some people just honestly don't know or if their desire to best others is just too strong for them to care.
.. have to think about that - have been called ‘a know it all’ here n there - for sure .. but someone pointed out how different ‘knows a lot’ about certain matters really is.. & why I follow Exemplars
‘smartest guy in the room’ is a defining ‘character appraisal’ best avoided - even worse being described as ‘smartest guy in every room he’s ever been in’
fyi - your phenomena is what I call - ‘self installing a mental tool’ & easily done - once routine it’s in your mental tool box & can even be enhanced and/or variations developed & deployed as needed
For sure have often heard ‘I’m not sure I understand’ utilized - opening a path to discussion 🦎🏴☠️
I like that phrase "self-installing a mental tool!" I think I'll use that sometime. You still have to learn how to use the tool, but at least you know you've got it.
.. thanks Ted - think i adapted it from Edward de Bono - deploying ‘po’ as crucial tool re aspects of Problem Solving - Lateral Solutions’ - ‘po - letting time into the solution..
But I took more from him than that.. oh yes I have ! Not a quick thinker - had to create pre-fab responses that were non combative for use with disarming combative persons - once the ‘scenario began - i used the installed mental tool to ‘stretch it out - to where it could more easily ‘diffused .. more ‘manageable so to speak - for me
i has some good anecdotes re this & other ‘encounters - am actually grateful i ain’t ‘glib .. & besides .. ‘never won an argument my entire life.. n plumb stopped even tryin 🦎🏴☠️
This rang my Bell .. I'll definitely Go and try that sentence (or a personalized version of it) thanks from an assholism candidate.
PS: please note my Capitalization sent to you from my iPad tuned to German spellcheck.
All capitalizations accepted for people on the path away from assholism. Thanks for stopping by.
Tom, I too am a recovering assaholic. My go to phrase is very similar. "Help me undertsand." With those three words, I am able to confess and convey to others what a dumbass I am, that I am eating humble pie, you are smarter than me, calling out my own ignorance and admitting that I need assistance. Significant progress for an assaholic like me. Loved this piece of work. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks a lot Jim, appreciate you stopping by.
You should open this with the Dali quote: "What is important is to spread confusion, not eliminate it"
"Hell, do you have a phrase that saved your marriage?"
This always works for me:
Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)"
Just wrote about it last week in fact... https://constantinemarkides.substack.com/p/im-getting-divorced
I love that quote (Emerson, right?) but usually when I ready to use “I’m Confused” I’m trying to dig out of a hole, not dig deeper!
This is great advice. I'm going to try this phrase the next time my kids are arguing over something inane.
The phrase I repeat often to myself when I'm worried others are judging me is this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt, “You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”
Thank you for this, Tom. I suffer as well. I now think of it as a bad aspect of my competitive nature. "I'm confused" is a wonderful work around. I'll try it! By the way, I'm jealous that you gained your "I'm confused" insight in 1998. I didn't realize I had the "assholism" problem until recently. Not wanting to destroy the relationship with my wife was my motivation to change, too.
Boy, that "competitive nature" stuff plays so well when you're trying to make it in the world, but it's so maladaptive to a loving relationship! I'm glad to hear you're working it out.
I'm confused here. :):)
Loved this post, Tom - I've taken away plenty of learning points from it! Also, it's prompted me to remember some advice I'd heard for the first time as a very, very young child: 'Engage brain before opening mouth'.
Now, I wish I could say that I always DO that, but hey, nobody's perfect! 😉
Thanks Rebecca. Why does it take us getting old(er) to learn these basics?
Well, youth is wasted on the young, Tom - isn't that what they say?! 😉 I often look back and wish I'd lived my earlier life with a wiser head on my shoulders! 🤣
As a longtime mental wheel-spinner and self—storyteller, I can really appreciate this. I spend a lot of time trying to parse meaning from online comments and reactions, this feels like a good tip to help with that.
Oh yeah, this rule really pertains to online life doesn't it? I pull out another of my golden rules ("It's not about you") whenever some comment feels really off-base.
Yup, almost always true.
Loved this one, Tom! Thanks for writing it.
Danielle! Thank you ... personal note coming your way.
"I'm confused. - Tom Pendergast" on a Post-it above my desk. Brilliant!
Love your phrase and will be using it to save myself from assholism. Thanks for sharing!!
Good luck, let me know how it works
I use it all the time. You "taught" me to use it and I swear it really does stop me from saying something I may later regret. But what I love most about this piece is for someone who had Assholism you took the time to understand it and work on it. I know a lot of A-holes who do not.
"Taught" is probably not the right word: I demonstrated it's use not backfiring in any case, and you were smart enough to take it up. And thanks for the compliment. I always knew when I was being an asshole and I didn't like myself for it. I wonder if some people just honestly don't know or if their desire to best others is just too strong for them to care.
I love this and will be stealing it…I’m often confused in general, so the authenticity will be there :)
Thanks Jenna. I'm always happy to hear how it works for others.
This is such a great post! Thanks for reposting! 💚
Thanks Sue
.. have to think about that - have been called ‘a know it all’ here n there - for sure .. but someone pointed out how different ‘knows a lot’ about certain matters really is.. & why I follow Exemplars
‘smartest guy in the room’ is a defining ‘character appraisal’ best avoided - even worse being described as ‘smartest guy in every room he’s ever been in’
fyi - your phenomena is what I call - ‘self installing a mental tool’ & easily done - once routine it’s in your mental tool box & can even be enhanced and/or variations developed & deployed as needed
For sure have often heard ‘I’m not sure I understand’ utilized - opening a path to discussion 🦎🏴☠️
I like that phrase "self-installing a mental tool!" I think I'll use that sometime. You still have to learn how to use the tool, but at least you know you've got it.
.. thanks Ted - think i adapted it from Edward de Bono - deploying ‘po’ as crucial tool re aspects of Problem Solving - Lateral Solutions’ - ‘po - letting time into the solution..
But I took more from him than that.. oh yes I have ! Not a quick thinker - had to create pre-fab responses that were non combative for use with disarming combative persons - once the ‘scenario began - i used the installed mental tool to ‘stretch it out - to where it could more easily ‘diffused .. more ‘manageable so to speak - for me
i has some good anecdotes re this & other ‘encounters - am actually grateful i ain’t ‘glib .. & besides .. ‘never won an argument my entire life.. n plumb stopped even tryin 🦎🏴☠️