Interesting. As it happens I am almost always right, too! But I'm not touchy about it.
But marriage is all about compatibility, and luckily I married an equal asshole: if I say the dinner in delicious tonight, she cuts right in with: "So are you saying that last nights dinner wasn't up to my usual standards"?! Same with flowers and chocolates: like many tough Scottish women she regards peace offerings with waspish suspicion!
Her standard response to being found wrong on anything is to threaten to leave, which is pure bluff, but she cant resist saying it. I'd describe our relationship as lively and argumentative at times, but the rest of the time we are brilliant, and generally we give as good as we get. Take the rough with the smooth, eh?
We've been together for 36 years, so it must work, and its seldom dull. I would hate a dull marriage!
For five years I managed a QA team tasked with finding bugs in Microsoft's software (I used to note that unless you can get paid to find sand at the beach, you will not find an easier job). Daily, I was in meetings with alpha-dog coders who always felt they were the smartest guys in the room. Whenever anyone would say something I felt was wrong about an approach or a problem instead of saying the first thing to come into my head (which usually was some varient of can't you see how freekin dumb that is?) I would say my magic phrase which was "perhaps I'm confused." I would then get my potential antogonist to walk through their logic, explaining it to me like I'm stupid until either they saw the flaw in their logic or I found the flaw in mine. It sure made meetings go smoother than the confrontaional approach.
Er, I'm confused. 😁 You had to know SOMEONE would say that, so I thought it might as well be me. Seriously though, a very thoughtful and honest article. I don't have a particular phrase I use in such circumstances, but after my initial annoyance I make myself think of an alternative, more generous, explanation. That usually proves to be correct, but even if it isn't it's better for my own peace of mind to believe it to be so rather than react in the heat of the moment.
I use the phrase “Help me understand…” when I realize I need to get clear on intent before I react. It’s a phrase that has to have the right tone or can be taken (and meant) as horribly condescending. But with the right intent (to truly understand the other’s intent), it’s incredibly powerful.
I *wish* I had a safeword. If anything, I follow Nike's philosophy: Just Do It.
Relatively recently, when we were driving, some driver did something that pissed me off. I said to my wife (a little tongue in cheek), "You know, if everyone drove like me, the world would be a much better place." And she said, "You don't have any patience." She was right there. Patience is not high on my list of virtues. Then it dawned on me... "Hey," I said, "if everyone drove like me, I wouldn't *need* patience because they'd already be doing everything right!"
Check and mate.
Just because one is an asshole doesn't make one wrong... Still, I'll try out that "I'm confused" thing to see what happens!
Bravo Tom, another fantastic life lesson shared. I have personally been afflicted with the same problem at times in my life, and although I never had a perfect solution like "I'm confused" I can say that variations of replies like that almost always expose that I was over-thinking and got what they were saying wrong, meaning it was never intended to be provocative nor a threat.
The sneakiest version of assholism that I'm aware of is when a few adult beverages have been consumed, and so I must still remain quite vigilant during those somewhat rare occasions. I will definitely make it a point to add your solution to my mental tool-kit, and greatly appreciate it!
.. have to think about that - have been called ‘a know it all’ here n there - for sure .. but someone pointed out how different ‘knows a lot’ about certain matters really is.. & why I follow Exemplars
‘smartest guy in the room’ is a defining ‘character appraisal’ best avoided - even worse being described as ‘smartest guy in every room he’s ever been in’
fyi - your phenomena is what I call - ‘self installing a mental tool’ & easily done - once routine it’s in your mental tool box & can even be enhanced and/or variations developed & deployed as needed
For sure have often heard ‘I’m not sure I understand’ utilized - opening a path to discussion 🦎🏴☠️
I use it all the time. You "taught" me to use it and I swear it really does stop me from saying something I may later regret. But what I love most about this piece is for someone who had Assholism you took the time to understand it and work on it. I know a lot of A-holes who do not.
As a longtime mental wheel-spinner and self—storyteller, I can really appreciate this. I spend a lot of time trying to parse meaning from online comments and reactions, this feels like a good tip to help with that.
Loved this post, Tom - I've taken away plenty of learning points from it! Also, it's prompted me to remember some advice I'd heard for the first time as a very, very young child: 'Engage brain before opening mouth'.
Now, I wish I could say that I always DO that, but hey, nobody's perfect! 😉
Interesting. As it happens I am almost always right, too! But I'm not touchy about it.
But marriage is all about compatibility, and luckily I married an equal asshole: if I say the dinner in delicious tonight, she cuts right in with: "So are you saying that last nights dinner wasn't up to my usual standards"?! Same with flowers and chocolates: like many tough Scottish women she regards peace offerings with waspish suspicion!
Her standard response to being found wrong on anything is to threaten to leave, which is pure bluff, but she cant resist saying it. I'd describe our relationship as lively and argumentative at times, but the rest of the time we are brilliant, and generally we give as good as we get. Take the rough with the smooth, eh?
We've been together for 36 years, so it must work, and its seldom dull. I would hate a dull marriage!
For five years I managed a QA team tasked with finding bugs in Microsoft's software (I used to note that unless you can get paid to find sand at the beach, you will not find an easier job). Daily, I was in meetings with alpha-dog coders who always felt they were the smartest guys in the room. Whenever anyone would say something I felt was wrong about an approach or a problem instead of saying the first thing to come into my head (which usually was some varient of can't you see how freekin dumb that is?) I would say my magic phrase which was "perhaps I'm confused." I would then get my potential antogonist to walk through their logic, explaining it to me like I'm stupid until either they saw the flaw in their logic or I found the flaw in mine. It sure made meetings go smoother than the confrontaional approach.
Er, I'm confused. 😁 You had to know SOMEONE would say that, so I thought it might as well be me. Seriously though, a very thoughtful and honest article. I don't have a particular phrase I use in such circumstances, but after my initial annoyance I make myself think of an alternative, more generous, explanation. That usually proves to be correct, but even if it isn't it's better for my own peace of mind to believe it to be so rather than react in the heat of the moment.
I use the phrase “Help me understand…” when I realize I need to get clear on intent before I react. It’s a phrase that has to have the right tone or can be taken (and meant) as horribly condescending. But with the right intent (to truly understand the other’s intent), it’s incredibly powerful.
I *wish* I had a safeword. If anything, I follow Nike's philosophy: Just Do It.
Relatively recently, when we were driving, some driver did something that pissed me off. I said to my wife (a little tongue in cheek), "You know, if everyone drove like me, the world would be a much better place." And she said, "You don't have any patience." She was right there. Patience is not high on my list of virtues. Then it dawned on me... "Hey," I said, "if everyone drove like me, I wouldn't *need* patience because they'd already be doing everything right!"
Check and mate.
Just because one is an asshole doesn't make one wrong... Still, I'll try out that "I'm confused" thing to see what happens!
We really enjoyed that ! What’s the name of that counselor again ?!? 😎
Bravo Tom, another fantastic life lesson shared. I have personally been afflicted with the same problem at times in my life, and although I never had a perfect solution like "I'm confused" I can say that variations of replies like that almost always expose that I was over-thinking and got what they were saying wrong, meaning it was never intended to be provocative nor a threat.
The sneakiest version of assholism that I'm aware of is when a few adult beverages have been consumed, and so I must still remain quite vigilant during those somewhat rare occasions. I will definitely make it a point to add your solution to my mental tool-kit, and greatly appreciate it!
.. have to think about that - have been called ‘a know it all’ here n there - for sure .. but someone pointed out how different ‘knows a lot’ about certain matters really is.. & why I follow Exemplars
‘smartest guy in the room’ is a defining ‘character appraisal’ best avoided - even worse being described as ‘smartest guy in every room he’s ever been in’
fyi - your phenomena is what I call - ‘self installing a mental tool’ & easily done - once routine it’s in your mental tool box & can even be enhanced and/or variations developed & deployed as needed
For sure have often heard ‘I’m not sure I understand’ utilized - opening a path to discussion 🦎🏴☠️
This is such a great post! Thanks for reposting! 💚
I love this and will be stealing it…I’m often confused in general, so the authenticity will be there :)
I use it all the time. You "taught" me to use it and I swear it really does stop me from saying something I may later regret. But what I love most about this piece is for someone who had Assholism you took the time to understand it and work on it. I know a lot of A-holes who do not.
Love your phrase and will be using it to save myself from assholism. Thanks for sharing!!
"I'm confused. - Tom Pendergast" on a Post-it above my desk. Brilliant!
Loved this one, Tom! Thanks for writing it.
As a longtime mental wheel-spinner and self—storyteller, I can really appreciate this. I spend a lot of time trying to parse meaning from online comments and reactions, this feels like a good tip to help with that.
Loved this post, Tom - I've taken away plenty of learning points from it! Also, it's prompted me to remember some advice I'd heard for the first time as a very, very young child: 'Engage brain before opening mouth'.
Now, I wish I could say that I always DO that, but hey, nobody's perfect! 😉