Wonderful essay and extremely powerful closing sentence. Just really superb, courageous writing.
My dad bailed when I was an infant and I only met him once when I was twenty-five years old. It was an odd feeling. I didn't know him and quickly assessed him for what he was: a stranger.
Just seeing he existed was all the closure I needed. I haven't talked to him since.
Wow, that’s quite a story Amran. Thank you for your kinds words. That was as hard an essay to write as anything I’ve written--your comment made me go back and look at it. Parents are so tough, especially when they don’t fit the mold, aren’t they?
These two pieces were tough to read because I know I'm doing a lot of things right -- certainly better than my dad -- but also doing so much wrong. And the things I'm doing wrong are hard to change. And worst of all, no matter how much I do right, my kids will to some degree resent me on principle. Often feels like a no-win.
Holy shit man, you are right on! Just spent a few hours with my son today, and I can see him wanting to take me on on a few things (resenting me on principle), and it definitely feels like a no-win. And I say that being very proud of the father I’ve been and the man he is. What are you going to do? You want to raise a kid who will be better than you, you’ve got to take it when it happens.
That's the game. I tell my kids (seven and three) they'll have to work it out in therapy when they're older, but that their therapist will probably say, "You know, you're dad was right about that stuff."
Good job writing about a difficult relationship your your father. I liked the way your described him, I got to know him even if the pictures were not part of your story (but I'm glad they were.)
I had a very difficult relationship with my mother who was an addict so to some degree I can relate.
Hey, thanks Scott--let me tell you, that one was years in the making. Not writing it, just coming to terms with it. I’m looking forward to checking out more of your stuff.
I hardly know anyone that doesn't have a complicated relationship with their dad. Maybe it's just the type of people I'm friends with. I sometimes think that it has something to do with culture that produced the generation of men that came before ours. Great story! Your writing here is top notch. *chef's kiss*
Thanks so much Amy. Before I wrote this, I knew of a couple friends who had troubled relationships with their dads—but now that number has grown! It does seem like maybe that generation of men got thrown into the responsibility of parenting and simply didn’t know how to navigate the emotional complexity (whereas their fathers hadn’t even been asked to).
Hi Tom, interesting to read your take on the relationship and lack there of with your dad. I am in a very similar situation, my dad disconnected with me and my 3 boys(who he once spoiled and cherished) about 7-8 years ago. As a parent it is so hard to comprehend that one can just cut themselves off from which they used to hold so close. I’ll never get it either, done my grieving like you said. I got the call from my brother after dads major open heart surgery, as he needed some caretaking…. After that was completed never heard from him again? I have no interest in him, and it makes me sad that I can say that and it’s 100% true. It doesn’t make me sad, or feel like I missing anything from my life.
Thank you for sharing, makes me feel like I’m not so uncaring. Take care my friend,
Wow, that’s pretty heavy. I wonder if our parents generation (at least the men) just weren’t equipped to maintain relationships with adult children? I hear this so much it’s really something. I doubt you’re the uncaring one. Thanks so much for taking the time to drop me a note.
So you may not know this, but I "technically" have two dads. My biological father and the man who raised me whom I call dad. I've been thinking a lot about my first dad and our relationship, which was not too dissimilar to you and your dad's. I feel like I have unfinished business with him, but he's gone and I'll never get to talk to him about it. But maybe, just maybe, I can find the words someday and type them out. I have unfinished feelings I have been feeling that need to be dealt with. Thanks for this story. It might just help.
Yeah, I always knew that when you were talking about your dad it was really your step dad--but I don’t think I knew much more than that. It sure is complicated, isn’t it? I was “lucky” in just having some coaching from people (largely my cousin Betsy) about how to not take the blame and how to let it go. So I really had buried and mourned him well before he died. Thanks for reading, as always !
It's Mother's Day here in Spain, so it was a bit surprising to read this story about your relationship with your Dad. I thought the most insightful comment in the essay is that you already had mourned for your loss by the time he came back into your life. I am glad for you that you have that understanding. It's clear that you have found other (better) ways of being a father to and with your adult children. As for the essay, it takes courage to let the unresolved past remain unresolved. Thanks for sharing this story.
Thanks Susan. It’s funny how it may take a lack of emotional commitment to convince a person of the importance of commitment. My brother and I talk a lot about how we can learn from our relationship with dad, so that’s the nice thing we took away from it all.
Wonderful essay and extremely powerful closing sentence. Just really superb, courageous writing.
My dad bailed when I was an infant and I only met him once when I was twenty-five years old. It was an odd feeling. I didn't know him and quickly assessed him for what he was: a stranger.
Just seeing he existed was all the closure I needed. I haven't talked to him since.
Wow, that’s quite a story Amran. Thank you for your kinds words. That was as hard an essay to write as anything I’ve written--your comment made me go back and look at it. Parents are so tough, especially when they don’t fit the mold, aren’t they?
These two pieces were tough to read because I know I'm doing a lot of things right -- certainly better than my dad -- but also doing so much wrong. And the things I'm doing wrong are hard to change. And worst of all, no matter how much I do right, my kids will to some degree resent me on principle. Often feels like a no-win.
Being a parent's not for the faint of heart.
Holy shit man, you are right on! Just spent a few hours with my son today, and I can see him wanting to take me on on a few things (resenting me on principle), and it definitely feels like a no-win. And I say that being very proud of the father I’ve been and the man he is. What are you going to do? You want to raise a kid who will be better than you, you’ve got to take it when it happens.
That's the game. I tell my kids (seven and three) they'll have to work it out in therapy when they're older, but that their therapist will probably say, "You know, you're dad was right about that stuff."
Good job writing about a difficult relationship your your father. I liked the way your described him, I got to know him even if the pictures were not part of your story (but I'm glad they were.)
I had a very difficult relationship with my mother who was an addict so to some degree I can relate.
Hey, thanks Scott--let me tell you, that one was years in the making. Not writing it, just coming to terms with it. I’m looking forward to checking out more of your stuff.
I hardly know anyone that doesn't have a complicated relationship with their dad. Maybe it's just the type of people I'm friends with. I sometimes think that it has something to do with culture that produced the generation of men that came before ours. Great story! Your writing here is top notch. *chef's kiss*
Thanks so much Amy. Before I wrote this, I knew of a couple friends who had troubled relationships with their dads—but now that number has grown! It does seem like maybe that generation of men got thrown into the responsibility of parenting and simply didn’t know how to navigate the emotional complexity (whereas their fathers hadn’t even been asked to).
Hi Tom, interesting to read your take on the relationship and lack there of with your dad. I am in a very similar situation, my dad disconnected with me and my 3 boys(who he once spoiled and cherished) about 7-8 years ago. As a parent it is so hard to comprehend that one can just cut themselves off from which they used to hold so close. I’ll never get it either, done my grieving like you said. I got the call from my brother after dads major open heart surgery, as he needed some caretaking…. After that was completed never heard from him again? I have no interest in him, and it makes me sad that I can say that and it’s 100% true. It doesn’t make me sad, or feel like I missing anything from my life.
Thank you for sharing, makes me feel like I’m not so uncaring. Take care my friend,
Sheryl Johnson❤️
Wow, that’s pretty heavy. I wonder if our parents generation (at least the men) just weren’t equipped to maintain relationships with adult children? I hear this so much it’s really something. I doubt you’re the uncaring one. Thanks so much for taking the time to drop me a note.
So you may not know this, but I "technically" have two dads. My biological father and the man who raised me whom I call dad. I've been thinking a lot about my first dad and our relationship, which was not too dissimilar to you and your dad's. I feel like I have unfinished business with him, but he's gone and I'll never get to talk to him about it. But maybe, just maybe, I can find the words someday and type them out. I have unfinished feelings I have been feeling that need to be dealt with. Thanks for this story. It might just help.
Yeah, I always knew that when you were talking about your dad it was really your step dad--but I don’t think I knew much more than that. It sure is complicated, isn’t it? I was “lucky” in just having some coaching from people (largely my cousin Betsy) about how to not take the blame and how to let it go. So I really had buried and mourned him well before he died. Thanks for reading, as always !
It's Mother's Day here in Spain, so it was a bit surprising to read this story about your relationship with your Dad. I thought the most insightful comment in the essay is that you already had mourned for your loss by the time he came back into your life. I am glad for you that you have that understanding. It's clear that you have found other (better) ways of being a father to and with your adult children. As for the essay, it takes courage to let the unresolved past remain unresolved. Thanks for sharing this story.
Thanks Susan. It’s funny how it may take a lack of emotional commitment to convince a person of the importance of commitment. My brother and I talk a lot about how we can learn from our relationship with dad, so that’s the nice thing we took away from it all.