Kind of you to share this with us! It’s very useful. I also like to reply to perceived aggression or inadequacy with “is everything alright?” When I really want to argue [In a caring way (not pedantic) ] and seems to help clarify things 😅 usually I have misinterpreted!
I shared this short story with an Assholism that was very confused. Just maybe he will smarten the fuck up and have some compassion for the Infamous people in this life.
Interesting post. I've never had that particular kind of assholism, competitiveness isn't in my nature, nor is pointing out when other people mess up or make a mistake. So I've never understood it. But I know a lot of people who are like that, and as I know I've got a lot of different faults of my own, and that I don't choose to have them they're just part of my make-up, I try to be understanding of people (no names, but people who are close to me) who do have tendencies like the ones you describe, because I know they don't enjoy being like that either. So yea, interesting to hear somebody explaining it from the other side and how they worked to improve themselves. Very nice, Tom.
By the way, I'm not saying I don't have any other forms of assholism. Just not that particular one.
It's only with those that I'm close to that I'm as accommodating. But still, my general outlook on the world is I expect people to be kinda shit, never have expectations of people I'm not close to, so never feel disappointed by shit personalities because I generally don't like people (much prefer dogs). It makes it easy to deal with assholes.
My wife's the opposite and always ends up disappointed or saddened by human behaviour because she expects better of people.
My uncle's got a lot of assholism in him, but I love him like a father. I just switch off whenever anyone's displaying assholism. Can even laugh at them. Usually do.
It’s funny, this counselor I saw, Chuck, used the term “accommodating” as well. He reckoned that assholes (not his term) usually paired up with accommodators, who tolerated their crap ... for a time. Luckily I found an accommodator with the backbone to recognize she didn’t need it and the strength to encourage me to stop. Funny how we find the right partners!
Self introspection is one of those pains that we avoid until we realize it actually maybe, kind of, sort of feels good. Like kneading a deeply knotted-up muscle. Also--add "chortle" and "bugle" to the secret list of wonderfully uncommon words to see in text messages. :) Nice one here, Tom.
Edit: Remove "self" (above) to avoid redundancy. Just so you don't have to text me with "I'm confused. Isn't introspection the very act of inwardly assessing one's self?" I blame low coffee count. It's early.
One of the hardest things is looking back and knowing that there are certain people I interacted with in the past who will always remember me as The Asshole. To them, in the story of their lives, I was the complete and total Jerkface -- the "problem with humanity." And there's no undoing that. In the history as it is written, that is the role I played and that is, for them, who I will always be, even if I have grown and changed and regretted the errors of my former ways.
Very interesting--not just that someone else identifies with this issue but thinking about people who you’ve alienated. I still remember a college roommate who said, “Do you have to be right about everything?” At the time I just didn’t get where he was coming from. Now ... I get it.
Thanks for sharing, Tom. I think the best part of this story for me is that you decided to seek counseling. I've done the same before, and having an unbiased third party provide feedback is critical. Unfortunately, many never make the realization. Kudos to Sara for being honest and helping you see the light. We don't give our wives enough credit. Also, great picture... are those Sandhill Cranes? 😉
Thanks Brian. The counseling really helped me, for sure. I needed that outside perspective: I knew I had a problem, but I sure as hell didn’t know what to do about it.
Holy Shit, Tom! That was beautiful!!! Heart emojis all around. Yellow ones, if that makes you less uncomfortable. 💛🙂I had half a mind to go mining our email exchanges to see if you ever used that phrase with me. It's likely you did. And likely I'd find "I'm sorry" in a few of my responses. That's my go-to. My husband and I rarely fight because when we do, it feels so foreign and icky that we just both own up to being wrong really fast so we can get back to laughing and hugging, which is WAY more fun. If I've learned anything from Mark Manson (and now you) it's that everyone is a little bit wrong and a little bit right in any argument. My apology method is flawed, because it requires that the other person accept what I'm offering (partial wrongness) and pick up the other side of that thread (remaining wrongness) in order for things to go back to being peachy. That doesn't mean my apologies aren't genuine. I really feel sorry when "being me" causes negative feelings for someone else. So, the "I'm sorry" is me accepting responsibility for my own unique case of "assholism". But if the other person can't own theirs... well, that just turns me into a bigger asshole. 😂Honestly, Tom. If you wrote a book about this "method", I would buy it in a ❤️beat. Or hope you'd offer me a free copy, as a member of your editorial team. This will be the only Substack post I read today. It's the only one I needed. And I REALLY REALLY want to meet your wife someday. If I can only meet one of you, it has to be her. Sorry.
Thanks a lot Meg. Even with our limited exchanges, you have probably seen the asshole side a little bit. But I’m working on it. Always. You’ve correctly identified the more evolved human in my own pairing!
It’s great advice Tom, thank you for sharing. I’m going to use it! (Also had a snort-laugh at your friend commenting on being pedantic but not THAT pedantic. Love that that’s the line 😂 and also wonder if that level of self-awareness actually makes one not a pedant?)
I don’t know ... he and I are both pedant-prone, but I suppose self awareness helps reign it in. Mostly. I still take delight in using words others don’t know ...
SUCH a great post, Tom - there are so many lessons in here. I love the REAL that runs through everything you write, and this post is crazy real. In a great way. Thank you.
Glad you liked it. There’s nothing like the threat of divorce to a woman you love to sharpen your assholism-suppression abilities!
It’s a good strategy. Thanks for sharing the backstory. I think the world would be a better place if more people led with vulnerability.
Isn’t that the truth?
And curiosity!!
Kind of you to share this with us! It’s very useful. I also like to reply to perceived aggression or inadequacy with “is everything alright?” When I really want to argue [In a caring way (not pedantic) ] and seems to help clarify things 😅 usually I have misinterpreted!
I love this tip! Thank you!
I shared this short story with an Assholism that was very confused. Just maybe he will smarten the fuck up and have some compassion for the Infamous people in this life.
Well, let us know how it goes. From my own experience, it takes a while to sink in 😀
Interesting post. I've never had that particular kind of assholism, competitiveness isn't in my nature, nor is pointing out when other people mess up or make a mistake. So I've never understood it. But I know a lot of people who are like that, and as I know I've got a lot of different faults of my own, and that I don't choose to have them they're just part of my make-up, I try to be understanding of people (no names, but people who are close to me) who do have tendencies like the ones you describe, because I know they don't enjoy being like that either. So yea, interesting to hear somebody explaining it from the other side and how they worked to improve themselves. Very nice, Tom.
By the way, I'm not saying I don't have any other forms of assholism. Just not that particular one.
Thanks Kris. You’re very understanding! I have known other people who manifest my style of assholism and I find them a little hard to take.
It's only with those that I'm close to that I'm as accommodating. But still, my general outlook on the world is I expect people to be kinda shit, never have expectations of people I'm not close to, so never feel disappointed by shit personalities because I generally don't like people (much prefer dogs). It makes it easy to deal with assholes.
My wife's the opposite and always ends up disappointed or saddened by human behaviour because she expects better of people.
My uncle's got a lot of assholism in him, but I love him like a father. I just switch off whenever anyone's displaying assholism. Can even laugh at them. Usually do.
It’s funny, this counselor I saw, Chuck, used the term “accommodating” as well. He reckoned that assholes (not his term) usually paired up with accommodators, who tolerated their crap ... for a time. Luckily I found an accommodator with the backbone to recognize she didn’t need it and the strength to encourage me to stop. Funny how we find the right partners!
Yea that's generally how it goes.
Self introspection is one of those pains that we avoid until we realize it actually maybe, kind of, sort of feels good. Like kneading a deeply knotted-up muscle. Also--add "chortle" and "bugle" to the secret list of wonderfully uncommon words to see in text messages. :) Nice one here, Tom.
Edit: Remove "self" (above) to avoid redundancy. Just so you don't have to text me with "I'm confused. Isn't introspection the very act of inwardly assessing one's self?" I blame low coffee count. It's early.
I don’t even know if I would have noticed! And it is early. I actually time my posts for 5 AM because that’s usually when I wake up ...
Thanks Michele. I liked the kneading a knotted muscle metaphor.
100% Relate.
One of the hardest things is looking back and knowing that there are certain people I interacted with in the past who will always remember me as The Asshole. To them, in the story of their lives, I was the complete and total Jerkface -- the "problem with humanity." And there's no undoing that. In the history as it is written, that is the role I played and that is, for them, who I will always be, even if I have grown and changed and regretted the errors of my former ways.
But, you gotta keep looking forward.
Very interesting--not just that someone else identifies with this issue but thinking about people who you’ve alienated. I still remember a college roommate who said, “Do you have to be right about everything?” At the time I just didn’t get where he was coming from. Now ... I get it.
Thanks for sharing, Tom. I think the best part of this story for me is that you decided to seek counseling. I've done the same before, and having an unbiased third party provide feedback is critical. Unfortunately, many never make the realization. Kudos to Sara for being honest and helping you see the light. We don't give our wives enough credit. Also, great picture... are those Sandhill Cranes? 😉
Thanks Brian. The counseling really helped me, for sure. I needed that outside perspective: I knew I had a problem, but I sure as hell didn’t know what to do about it.
Holy Shit, Tom! That was beautiful!!! Heart emojis all around. Yellow ones, if that makes you less uncomfortable. 💛🙂I had half a mind to go mining our email exchanges to see if you ever used that phrase with me. It's likely you did. And likely I'd find "I'm sorry" in a few of my responses. That's my go-to. My husband and I rarely fight because when we do, it feels so foreign and icky that we just both own up to being wrong really fast so we can get back to laughing and hugging, which is WAY more fun. If I've learned anything from Mark Manson (and now you) it's that everyone is a little bit wrong and a little bit right in any argument. My apology method is flawed, because it requires that the other person accept what I'm offering (partial wrongness) and pick up the other side of that thread (remaining wrongness) in order for things to go back to being peachy. That doesn't mean my apologies aren't genuine. I really feel sorry when "being me" causes negative feelings for someone else. So, the "I'm sorry" is me accepting responsibility for my own unique case of "assholism". But if the other person can't own theirs... well, that just turns me into a bigger asshole. 😂Honestly, Tom. If you wrote a book about this "method", I would buy it in a ❤️beat. Or hope you'd offer me a free copy, as a member of your editorial team. This will be the only Substack post I read today. It's the only one I needed. And I REALLY REALLY want to meet your wife someday. If I can only meet one of you, it has to be her. Sorry.
Thanks a lot Meg. Even with our limited exchanges, you have probably seen the asshole side a little bit. But I’m working on it. Always. You’ve correctly identified the more evolved human in my own pairing!
Witnessing evolution inspires evolution. Keep up the good work. 🙂
I am very happy you found this phrase, Tom. Love, Sara
❤️
100% relate here too ... is being referred to as a "dick" worse? Nice post, Tom.
I bet it’s about the same, it’s just when you convert that to an “ism,” well, “dickholism” doesn’t sound as good. 😉
This is wonderful! And so self-aware. Wish one of my exes would have tried therapy like this before it tore us apart.
I was lucky to have a psychologist cousin who primed for what it could offer. And thank you.
It’s great advice Tom, thank you for sharing. I’m going to use it! (Also had a snort-laugh at your friend commenting on being pedantic but not THAT pedantic. Love that that’s the line 😂 and also wonder if that level of self-awareness actually makes one not a pedant?)
I don’t know ... he and I are both pedant-prone, but I suppose self awareness helps reign it in. Mostly. I still take delight in using words others don’t know ...
SUCH a great post, Tom - there are so many lessons in here. I love the REAL that runs through everything you write, and this post is crazy real. In a great way. Thank you.
Thanks so much. “Crazy real” feels about right.
🙌
Great story! I plan to share with those in my life who suffer from assholism! Your honesty energizes everything you write.
Thanks Susan. The older I get, the more it feels like honesty is the only option that works.
Suddenly the competitiveness around the daily word puzzle makes complete sense. ;)