I almost sent this article to my assholiness, when realized I wasn’t up for the battle! The article and your story is delicious. It restores my hope that we can grow up at any age and any stage. Awesome finding your substack! Bravo!
Really enjoyed reading this, like everyone else. And good for you for embracing (and making use of) therapy.
I don't have a set phrase to get out of being an asshole (I'm going to steal yours), but I do have a phrase that a friend taught me when he was BEING an asshlole and not paying attention to what the other person was saying. When that happened and he needed to save face, the phrase he always used was, "No kidding, eh?" (or if you're American, "No kidding, huh?").
Try it. Works in pretty much any context:
A: It's snowing. B: No kidding, eh?
A: I just lost my job. B: No kidding, eh?
A: I'm leaving you. B:. . . etc.
The follow-up is "Wouldn't be the first time." So:
A: I'm leaving you. B No kidding, eh? A: No, I mean it. B: Wouldn't be the first time. Et cetera.
Can't say I've ever used them seriously, but boy, you can get a lot of laughs playing around with the various contexts.
Meant to 'like' and 'comment' a couple of days ago ... but this phrase is my 12 y/o's go-to explanation for why he didn't, did, almost, wasn't, hadn't, was about to, thought first but did it anyway, would have, and forgot to ... and we completely understand it's never an excuse. It just gives him time to not say something that'll get him in trouble. Great article.
Love this story so much Tom! And Sandhill Cranes. Funny, I use that phrase a lot too. Can't remember who taught me it but it has saved me from terrible miscommunication. I'm fabulous at jumping to conclusions (could win a medal) and this phrase combined with, "tell me more about that" has helped me a lot. Thanks again.
No wonder I was so confused when you slammed my head into the fridge when I was a kid...you were just being an asshole! Glad that you sorted it out, and I plan to use the "I'm Confused" phrase myself going forward...saved me a few hundred $'s in counseling fees! I love you brother.
PS - Thanks for straightening him out, Sara, he's much more pleasant now...just seems a bit confused!!
yeah, I reckon that’s a little early in my life for me to have much understanding, but I suspect that behavior and the way I bossed you and Carol around were all just about me trying to exert control. I’m glad we’ve worked it out and I love you too bro.
OK, so I think I'm going to start trying to use this tactic effective immediately. I am EXACTLY like you in this sense and I find myself getting into petty arguments with my wife and friends alike. I don't have as much of an issue in the workplace and I'm not sure I can put my finger on that one yet (maybe I realized I like making money and being employed). I can't tell you how much this story resonated with me though - talk about hitting the nail on the head here. I thought I was reading a story about myself!
Max, I’m so glad this spoke to you. I never really experienced my assholism (meaning, high control needs) as a problem in the workplace, it was really just such a detriment to my marriage. If you can figure out how to get a handle on it early, I highly recommend it. I wasted a lot of time trying to “win” when I would have been much happier just loving my wife exactly as she is.
No wonder I was so confused when you slammed my head into the fridge when I was a kid...you were just being an asshole, so simple! I'm thankful you've grown out of it brother, and will keep my ears out for the "I'm confused" statement next time we talk, and may even use it myself. I love you Tom.
PS, Sara thanks for sending him on the right path!
OMG...how many times did you use this with me? Hahah. Ben and I use it all the time and we joke that it was the one thing from working with you that when you said it you usually already knew the answer and was cornering someone. Now I see it might not have been that. I think I use it more as a weapon at times then actually being confused. It's a good phrase and it does de-escalate things.
There may have been a few times 😀 But if it’s a weapon, it’s kind of like one of those martial arts (judo? Kung fu?) where you take the energy from your foe and redirect it. I didn’t think of it was a weapon so much as a tool ... sometimes used to my advantage, especially in business. In my marriage, it’s just to prevent me being an asshole!
I can't imagine you as an asshole. You're one of the nicest people on the internet. What did you say to the therapist? "I need help being less of an asshole?"
Well, I had to consult with Sara on this one, as I seem to have this tendency to “forget” those things that don’t comport with how I want to think of myself. She reminds me that our first visit was together, and we described the difficulties we were having, and Chuck wisely identified the need to work individually with me. So, I think it was less me telling him what I needed to work on than us sharing with him our problems, and him seeing that I was the one to start with.
SUCH a great post, Tom - there are so many lessons in here. I love the REAL that runs through everything you write, and this post is crazy real. In a great way. Thank you.
I almost sent this article to my assholiness, when realized I wasn’t up for the battle! The article and your story is delicious. It restores my hope that we can grow up at any age and any stage. Awesome finding your substack! Bravo!
Thanks, so glad you liked it. Yeah, we can grow up and change, we just have to be properly motivated. I was!
Love this. When I’m in a tense conversation and we’re not connecting, I try the phrase “Help me understand (insert confusing thing).”
“Help me understand why this matters.”
“Help me understand how my words offended you.”
“Help me understand why you think this is a good idea.”
etc.
Tom, you may have just saved my butt, now and forever!
Really enjoyed reading this, like everyone else. And good for you for embracing (and making use of) therapy.
I don't have a set phrase to get out of being an asshole (I'm going to steal yours), but I do have a phrase that a friend taught me when he was BEING an asshlole and not paying attention to what the other person was saying. When that happened and he needed to save face, the phrase he always used was, "No kidding, eh?" (or if you're American, "No kidding, huh?").
Try it. Works in pretty much any context:
A: It's snowing. B: No kidding, eh?
A: I just lost my job. B: No kidding, eh?
A: I'm leaving you. B:. . . etc.
The follow-up is "Wouldn't be the first time." So:
A: I'm leaving you. B No kidding, eh? A: No, I mean it. B: Wouldn't be the first time. Et cetera.
Can't say I've ever used them seriously, but boy, you can get a lot of laughs playing around with the various contexts.
Thank you. I'll have to take that phrase for a spin ... I'm working on the intonation now. I suspect I'll use it on my mother quite a few times.
Yes, it's all in the intonation. ;)
I loved this story and am so happy J shared it!
Hey, I’m go glad you liked it.
Meant to 'like' and 'comment' a couple of days ago ... but this phrase is my 12 y/o's go-to explanation for why he didn't, did, almost, wasn't, hadn't, was about to, thought first but did it anyway, would have, and forgot to ... and we completely understand it's never an excuse. It just gives him time to not say something that'll get him in trouble. Great article.
Oh no, and I thought it was so profound! Wait, it is profound—congrats to your 12 year old for tapping the ancient wisdom of Confusious.
Love this story so much Tom! And Sandhill Cranes. Funny, I use that phrase a lot too. Can't remember who taught me it but it has saved me from terrible miscommunication. I'm fabulous at jumping to conclusions (could win a medal) and this phrase combined with, "tell me more about that" has helped me a lot. Thanks again.
Thanks Janelle. It’s amazing how much trouble you can get into thinking you know it all! (Speaking for myself only, of course.)
No wonder I was so confused when you slammed my head into the fridge when I was a kid...you were just being an asshole! Glad that you sorted it out, and I plan to use the "I'm Confused" phrase myself going forward...saved me a few hundred $'s in counseling fees! I love you brother.
PS - Thanks for straightening him out, Sara, he's much more pleasant now...just seems a bit confused!!
yeah, I reckon that’s a little early in my life for me to have much understanding, but I suspect that behavior and the way I bossed you and Carol around were all just about me trying to exert control. I’m glad we’ve worked it out and I love you too bro.
OK, so I think I'm going to start trying to use this tactic effective immediately. I am EXACTLY like you in this sense and I find myself getting into petty arguments with my wife and friends alike. I don't have as much of an issue in the workplace and I'm not sure I can put my finger on that one yet (maybe I realized I like making money and being employed). I can't tell you how much this story resonated with me though - talk about hitting the nail on the head here. I thought I was reading a story about myself!
Max, I’m so glad this spoke to you. I never really experienced my assholism (meaning, high control needs) as a problem in the workplace, it was really just such a detriment to my marriage. If you can figure out how to get a handle on it early, I highly recommend it. I wasted a lot of time trying to “win” when I would have been much happier just loving my wife exactly as she is.
No wonder I was so confused when you slammed my head into the fridge when I was a kid...you were just being an asshole, so simple! I'm thankful you've grown out of it brother, and will keep my ears out for the "I'm confused" statement next time we talk, and may even use it myself. I love you Tom.
PS, Sara thanks for sending him on the right path!
OMG...how many times did you use this with me? Hahah. Ben and I use it all the time and we joke that it was the one thing from working with you that when you said it you usually already knew the answer and was cornering someone. Now I see it might not have been that. I think I use it more as a weapon at times then actually being confused. It's a good phrase and it does de-escalate things.
There may have been a few times 😀 But if it’s a weapon, it’s kind of like one of those martial arts (judo? Kung fu?) where you take the energy from your foe and redirect it. I didn’t think of it was a weapon so much as a tool ... sometimes used to my advantage, especially in business. In my marriage, it’s just to prevent me being an asshole!
I can't imagine you as an asshole. You're one of the nicest people on the internet. What did you say to the therapist? "I need help being less of an asshole?"
Thank you, that’s very nice. I try! I’ve learned a lot as I’ve aged, and those closest to me always got the hardest edges.
I think you were replying to my comment while I was editing it to ask what you said to the therapist. I'm wondering how you approached the subject.
Well, I had to consult with Sara on this one, as I seem to have this tendency to “forget” those things that don’t comport with how I want to think of myself. She reminds me that our first visit was together, and we described the difficulties we were having, and Chuck wisely identified the need to work individually with me. So, I think it was less me telling him what I needed to work on than us sharing with him our problems, and him seeing that I was the one to start with.
Well, Chuck seems to have done a good job!
“I’m confused.” - may try that, ''yes dear'' has seemed to work pretty well for me. .
Suddenly the competitiveness around the daily word puzzle makes complete sense. ;)
Great story! I plan to share with those in my life who suffer from assholism! Your honesty energizes everything you write.
Thanks Susan. The older I get, the more it feels like honesty is the only option that works.
SUCH a great post, Tom - there are so many lessons in here. I love the REAL that runs through everything you write, and this post is crazy real. In a great way. Thank you.
Thanks so much. “Crazy real” feels about right.
🙌