Your Dads

In your words, stories of bad and good dads

About 6 weeks ago, I wrote a piece called “My Dad” and I was blown away by your response. I heard from so many of you that it prompted me to do a follow up (imaginatively named “‘My Dad’ Follow Up”) where I asked you to tell me more about your own dads.

I wanted to share back with you both the poll results and a sampling of the many responses I received. In every case, I’ve stripped names from them (if I even knew who wrote them) but I thought it would be fun for all of you to see some common threads. There are some tough stories—but there are also happy ones. 

First, the results:

Not nearly as bad as I expected. Nearly 57% of you had warm and loving relationships with your dads (lucky you!), though a sizable minority of just under 30% had detached and/or dysfunctional relationships. That left 13.5% somewhere in between.

More interesting than the stats were the stories. There were enough stories out there that if I interviewed everyone who sent one in, it could be a book. But wait: I was trying to close the book on my dad, not start a new one! So allow me to close this little diversion into dads with your stories, in your voices:

Tax Cheat

My parents ran a business together for 25+ years. After my mom passed away from cancer my father decided it was time to get a $5M SBA loan to build a used oil refinery (mom never would agree). Lots of stuff happened, he listened to people that were only out to take him.  The company filed Chapter 11 and the bookkeeper disappeared. Turns out she hadn’t filed or paid any taxes in 6 months so I jumped in to file the returns so it would be on record for the bankruptcy court.  I signed and dated it after the bankruptcy filing date.

Fast forward about 2 years and I get a letter from the IRS giving me 30 days to pay $112,000 plus interest (no savings at the time and I was making probably $25K a year).  Years of attorney time later I finally got a hearing and they dropped the case as they finally found out I wasn’t involved.

Turns out my dad had also been sent the same mail but he told them it was all me.  So they never pursued him at all.  When I finally spoke to him about it years later and asked him why he did that to me his answer was “You’re smarter than I am so I figured you’d be able to handle it better.”

A Man of Complicated Genius

My dad was a brilliant man, at his funeral several years ago [my husband] wrote and gave the eulogy and said he was a man of complicated genius. He spoke 5 languages (had a master’s degree in Latin, and said he was a spy because he sat in a room in Anchorage, Alaska, and listened to Russian communications in the army).

He probably was a good father when we were younger, but once we had a mind of our own and could disagree or talk back, he wasn’t so great. He was a tortured soul (self-diagnosed bi-polar), who would sit at a piano in the middle of the night playing for hours. Couldn’t hold a real job because he didn’t want to work for anyone else—therefore we grew up in need. He never hit us, but rather would lecture us (making us look at him and repeat what he said every 15 minutes), though he did have a temper and threatened to throw a TV down the stairs, and punched his fists through 18 panes of a French door, to name a few. While we had food on the table, it was my mom’s jobs (which he disapproved of) that brought in money for clothes, etc. I guess I would classify our family as dysfunctional; I was happy to get the fuck away from him.

The Land Where a House Could Be Built

When I was little, my parents (mostly my mother) often said they only had one child because they only wanted "one perfect child." As I got older the real truth was they couldn't afford me, nonetheless others, and they both grew up literally dirt floor poor and were not going to repeat it. I grew with an abnormal amount of love, all the while it was abundantly clear they were just making up parenting as they went.

As I've grown up there is a lot I appreciate about them, specifically my father. But here is how I view the relationship. Since about high school, especially when I was excelling at sports and not getting in trouble–and once they learned I was having sex–our relationship changed from being one less of parent/child to one of associate or business partner. If I got into a bad spot, they would help me out of it while I worked to repay that help. In my mid-20s when I surpassed the most income my father had ever made, any and all teaching, instructing, or parenting that was left had completely stopped.

I view my father similarly to how I view land where a house could be built. The possibilities of what that house (me) could be–how big, how inviting, how fancy–are all on me to figure out and build myself. I am thankful for that opportunity. But I'm still limited by the size and location of the property, without any idea how to build a house.

Your story is a helpful reminder of reflection. I spend at least one night a week thinking about this topic from how I was raised, to how others had it (like your story) and specifically because I'm raising two boys. What are they going to think of me? I want to guide them with a heavier hand than my father did with me, but not so heavy as to guide them to one thing or another. I don't think all the love and affection I received was entirely positive and I've translated that to not providing many compliments to my boys. I got report cards back recently and both basically said "This is one of my favorite students I've ever had. Respectful, prompt, funny. Great students." And I sent a message to the teachers saying "Then you tell them that, because they aren't going to hear me say it to them."

Life can be messy, regardless of your status, and over the last few years I've felt any judgment I've held slide out of me. Most people are just trying their best, as am I. I'm sorry you had some frustrations with your birth father, but it sounds like that was countered with your father in-law. You saw what not to do, and what to do, and I think that's helped guide your parenting.

People Will Think I’m a Bad Father

My dad divorced my mom when I was 3 and I only saw him on weekends and some Wednesdays my entire life. Our relationship consisted of playfully picking on each other as a method of showing love. Even my stepmom pointed it out to him and told him that he needs to build a better relationship with me, that resulted in about 2 months of affection when I lived with him and my stepmom for a few years. He had my older sister when he was 17, divorced a few years later, met my mom, had me, cheated on her with my stepmom, and divorced when I was 3. Married my stepmom when I was 6, had two more girls, and divorced her the year I moved to WA about 4 years ago. (Very tough time for me).

Our relationship since I moved away become more strained. He hardly called me and I learned from my younger sister that he often bitched to my stepmom that me and his oldest never call him. Two way street dad. I realize I’m ranting about a very personal subject but it has been the #1 topic in therapy the last 4 years. To really drive this point home, I recently decided I wanted my mom to walk me down the aisle this Sept and when I told my dad he ignored me for 2 weeks. When he eventually explained how he felt (after prying it out of him) he told me he thought about not coming to my wedding at all and said “people will think I’m a bad father if I don’t walk you down the aisle.” It took many hours of crying to realize I can’t be held responsible for my dad feeling like a bad father. To sum up the tip of this very big iceberg, I have a very strained relationship with my dad. 

Too Busy to Have a Relationship

My Dad was SO charming and a popular figure in the area when I was growing up. He was involved in the local and state level of the Free Masons, which cost a great deal of money along with his passion for hunting. Some trips that involved travel to Wyoming and the Northwest Territories of Canada. Meanwhile his wife and children at times, went without. He was a product of the “Greatest Generation” and served his country during WWII. Proud? Of course we were. But he was so selfish, and only cared about his own needs. I suspect, now as an adult, there were some mental issues going on there.

He cheated on my Mom, who was the greatest woman and best friend I ever knew. Having been raised in a different generation, she pushed on and raised her kids. I didn’t understand why she didn’t leave him back then—I found out about his “girlfriend” in the fifth grade—but as an adult I realized why she stayed. She had too much to lose—financially.

My dad was always “too busy” to have a relationship with three of his five kids, me being one of them. I was the baby, and too much trouble. I worshiped him, but never received anything back. Only his two “favorite” kids garnered any sort of attention from him, and even that was only at HIS convenience.

Dad died three days after my 21st birthday in 1985. I remember telling him as he was dying to remember that I loved him. He said he loved me back with tears in his eyes, but I believe only because he knew he didn’t have much time left. Regrets only because it was too late. At his funeral, the director had to open all the sections of the funeral home to accommodate the hundreds of people he came to pay their respects. Everyone knew and loved my Dad. Crazy. They had NO idea who he really was.

He wasn’t a bad father. There was no physical abuse. He was simply non-existent. He was never there. I was nothing to him but another kid to feed and clothe. Oh, and it wasn’t until he was gone that I understood why my Mom stayed … his retirement included over $250,000, plus our cabin in northern Michigan and the sale of our house. In 1985 that was a sizable amount of money. She was one smart cookie.

I’ve come to terms with that part of my life and don’t dwell or whine. It is what it is. But from the start, I make sure my husband never misses the chance to play an active role in our two daughter’s lives. I also told him the need to make sure they never doubt that he loves them.

Those Who Worked with Him Got the Best

You verbalized my father perfectly in one of our many conversations on the topic: “it was those of us who worked with him who got the best of your dad, not his own kids.” I do feel I had a loving & warm relationship with Dad at the end, as much as either of us could have, but the damage of his emotional & physical absence from my growing up has left lasting & deep damage. I struggle to trust anyone will be there for me, especially men, & I find it nearly impossible to ask for help, again especially from men, because I just expect the answer to be “no” & so once again reopen the wound that I’ve been rejected & am not deserving of being loved. I spent many years trying to untangle all this & while I now feel I understand it, that it wasn’t his intention & that he had many other ways of showing his love, I didn’t feel it growing up & so the scars are still there every day.

Short Takes:

A collection of shorter comments.

He wasn’t affectionate, prone to compliments of any kind, or come to our sporting events, but I did know that he loved us. And he sure lived by his principles and passed on a strong work ethic, so set an incredible example. I am so glad that I got to see him be a loving grandfather to our kids.

I don't consider the biological father a "dad." The man who raised me was "dad" and I very much had a great relationship with him and my mom.

We made it to warm and loving by the time he died, but there were many years of detached, and some of acceptable before making it back to warm and loving.

He figured mom did it all, so we didn’t need him. Or she made it that way. I don’t know. I don’t even know what sports he likes to play but we lived together 18 years.

I get so tired of hearing that you should respect your parents. It’s awful. You get the shitty end of the stick when you’re young, then too many people want you to grab onto it again when you’re old. Fuck’em.

My father was very loving and desperately wanted a close relationship, but he was overwhelmed by serious guilt for mistakes he made earlier in life— very defensive, always begging for forgiveness that wasn’t ours to give— this prevented any type of honest meaningful or adult relationship. It was never in my power to undo his past mistakes.

Tom, I had no idea what your relationship was with Uncle David. I remember your family the most from the summer I spent with you all. I wonder what it was like growing up in Web and Peggy's house. My father has struggled with relationships as long as I've known him. I don't think he would call them struggles... but from an outsider I saw differently. I think of my father and my relationship as warm and loving. However, I know it could be better with more time spent together, more listening and less talking, and making meaningful memories.

Happy Stories:

My father is an amazingly kind, loving, understanding & thoughtful man. I'm so lucky to have the relationship that I have with him. I'm aware that unfortunately am in a small group of people who can honestly say that. But thank you Pa!!

I also had a second chance with a kind, loving step father.

I was fortunate to have a Dad who was determined to be different from his father! Unlike his father (whom I LOVED), my Dad was neither capricious nor carping; he was patient, loving, supportive, and probably the main reason I was able to get an education and leave SW Iowa behind. So, although I am in a comfortable boat alongside yours, there is a kind of rope connecting us.

My dad was a 10 + dad. and was the man to go to for many of my childhood friends. Many came back to visit long after they grew up.

My family, c. 1970 (that’s me, bottom right)